Sam the Not So Friendly Ghost
by samcedeswannabe
Summary: Sam has always been there for Mercedes...but he soon gets tired of being her ghost protector and wishes to be more. The question is...what will he do for a klondike bar...I mean what will he do to get the woman he loves?
1. Chapter 1

ideasbutcantwritesamcedes **asked you:**

**Can you write a samcedes fic and based it on Casper the movie…only Sam is Casper and they meet when she is a kid but he is a teenage ghost. he is very protected of her (also get very jealous) and when she is older their relationship gets older and sexual. Maybe and like a Casper and Ghost movie mix.**

Mercedes sat in her room on the floor and played with her Barbie doll. She cocked her head to the side, looked up at the empty corner of the room, and smiled.

"No silly, she's not supposed to talk." She giggled.

She looked back down and nodded as if she was agreeing with something. Her mother silently walked by and watched her daughter's odd behaviour from the door. For awhile she didn't do anything out of the ordinary and her mother was about to go downstairs when Mercedes suddenly held up her doll towards the same empty corner of the room and let out a boisterous laugh.

"Cedes?" the six year old turned her head towards her mom.

"Yes mommy?" she stared at her with her big brown eyes.

"Baby...why are you laughing?" Her mother looked around the room. Mercedes looked back at the corner and then looked back at her mom.

"Because of Sam," Mercedes smiled up at her mother. Her mom got a chill down her spine. She was praying to God that her daughter had an imaginary friend. She couldn't deal with any Poltergeist crap, no sir, not in her house.

"Who's Sam?" her mom walked into the room and sat on the ground beside her daughter. Mercedes put her doll down and smoothed down her overalls.

"Sam's ...my best friend." She said slowly, "He takes care of me. He's Sam I am...but doesn't like green eggs and ham." Mercedes covered her mouth to hide her giggles. Her mother stared at the corner and tried to see if she could see something.

"Is he your imaginary friend?"

Mercedes paused for a second and then nodded, "Yes mommy. Sam's make believe." She looked her daughter over and wondered why she was avoiding her gaze. She lifted her chin and gave her a kiss on the forehead.

"Alright...well mommy's going downstairs okay. You call me or come down if you need anything." Mercedes looked her in the eyes and smiled.

"Okays." Her mother stood up and glanced at the corner one last time before she left the room. Mercedes stared at the door and waited until she heard that her mother was quite a distance away before she turned back to stare at her doll which was lying on the ground. She put her hands in her lap and watched the doll stand up and dance around on the ground. "Sam?" she stared at the blonde ghost. "Why can't I tell mommy about you? I'm not supposedta fib."

"Your mommy was getting scared Mercy...I didn't want to scare her." He smiled at her and pat her head. "Your mommy's not brave like you." Mercedes smiled with pride and pulled another doll out of her toy trunk. "What do you want to do today?" Mercedes tapped her chin.

"How about Barbie and Kelly go to the mall." She grinned at the older boy.

"That sounds great Mercy." He smiled back at her and the two played quietly until dinner. The next day Mercedes sat in the sandbox and played happily alone, well slightly alone. A little boy with big red unruly hair approached her.

"What are you doing?" he stared at the little girl with her big pigtails.

"Playing," she said without looking up.

"Oh...you're pretty." Mercedes stopped playing and gave the little red head a dirty look. "Can I hug you!" Mercedes looked towards the empty space to her right.

"No...Sam says no." She continued playing.

"Give me a hug." The boy ran towards a startled Mercedes. She watched as a whole bunch of sand flew up in the boys face. He screamed and cried.

"I'm telling!" he ran back to the classroom in tears. Mercedes turned to Sam and scowled.

"You're gonna get me in trouble Sam." She folded her little arms over her chest.

"Sorry Mercy...that little boy had some weird thoughts." He shrugged and she slowly nodded.

"Mercedes Jones!" the teacher stepped outside and tapped her foot against the asphalt. "Come in here right now." Mercedes looked at Sam.

"I'll tell you exactly what you need to say okay." He stood up and held her hand. They walked together into the classroom.

"Mercedes, Robert said you threw sand at him." The teacher looked over at the sniffing little boy. "Is that true?"

Sam bent over and whispered in her ear. "No Ms. Devile, Robert tried to hug me in the sandbox and I told him not to. Then he ran towards me and I moved out of the way and he fell into the sand." Sam whispered in her ear again and Mercedes immediately put on a pout.

"Robert...is this true." Robert stared at Mercedes and blushed. He then slowly nodded. "Alright Robert say sorry." The little boy hesitantly stood up and walked over to Mercedes.

"Sorry..." he stared at his feet.

"That's okay." Mercedes smiled. "Can I go play now?" she asked the teacher. The older woman nodded and Mercedes ran outside with her companion following behind her. "Thanks Sam," she looked up and smiled at what would look like nothing to anyone passing by.

Mercedes rummaged through her locker and pulled out her history book for her fourth period class. She closed the door and jumped. "Sam," she whispered to the air next to her. "What are you doing here?" he shrugged. She looked around the almost empty high school hallway.

"I'm always here Mercy...I only leave when you use the bathroom." He grinned at the annoyed seventeen year old woman.

"I told you that at school I want to be alone from now on." She looked around her and made sure nobody was in close hearing range.

"Because of that one incident?" he rolled his eyes. "I said sorry."

"You pushed Finn Hudson into the girls room because he lightly smacked my butt." She hissed at the ghost. "Now go home." She quickly walked to her next class but Sam followed her.

"Nobody has the right to touch you like that." He said loudly. She hushed him but then rolled her eyes at herself for shushing a damn ghost. Sam read her thoughts and laughed. "He's not right for you Mercy."

"Yea and who is?" she opened the classroom door and sat down. He sat down in the desk next to her.

"I am." He stared intensely at her. "I would be perfect for you." Mercedes rolled her eyes. "And I've heard your thoughts enough to know that you agree with me."

"I hate you doing that!" she said a bit too loudly and a girl in the front desk turned around to stare at her. Mercedes pressed her ear and pretended as if she was on a call through a blue tooth. The girl looked satisfied and turned back around. "You promised me you would stop." She said more quietly.

"I try to ignore them, I'm sorry." He touched her hand and a chill went through her body. "I'll try harder." She sighed and stared at the ghost. He leaned forward and lightly kissed her nose.

Mercedes blushed and felt creeped out. Sam frowned, "Don't do that...if you were human...then fine...but Sam...you're dead." She moved her hand and stared straight ahead. Sam shook his head in anger and disappeared. Mercedes stared at the empty spot and felt bad, but what else could she do.

Sam walked through the ICU and stared at the patients in bed. He felt a deep sadness at seeing these innocent people struggle for their lives, but sometimes he just liked to hear what they were thinking. Sometimes he would deliver messages for them to their loved ones. He sat down next to a young girl and listened to her dreams, he smiled at the mention of ponies. Suddenly a bunch of doctors rolled in with a patient on a gurney. He watched them fly by and drag the patient to a corner area. He walked in and stared at them.

"What are his vitals?" a doctor turned and asked a nurse.

"We're losing him sir." She said while trying to get the defibrillator ready.

"Cause of accident?" the doctor asked another nurse.

"Car accident sir." The previous nurse handed him the defibrillator. "Sir, we're losing him." She was staring at the screen. The patient was flat lining. The doctor shocked the patient and waited. Nothing. The heart rate was almost gone. He shocked him again. The room got silent as they listened to the loud consistent sound of the patient flat lining.

"Call it, 2 pm." The doctor pulled the sheet over the patient and walked out. The team cleaned up and followed. Sam walked over to the patient, pulled off the sheet, and stared at the young blonde man on the gurney. He pulled open his eye lid and stared down into the lifeless green eye. Sam smiled and held the man's hand. He decided to do what he had always been scared of doing. He closed his eyes and slowly disappeared. The man on the gurney sat up with a jolt and took in a deep breath. The heart beat began beating on the screen. A nurse ran in and screamed for the doctor, she stared at him and then ran back out. Sam covered his new ears and stared at his hands. _Cool._ He swung his legs over the gurney and tried to stand up only to crash to the ground. _Fuck...I haven't used these in years. Just like riding a bike come on._ He willed himself to stand up. He finally did it slowly, but his body was in a lot of pain. _Ah yes, I remember this._ The nurses rushed in and helped him sit down. He let himself be fussed over at how he could be alive, but Mercy was the only thing on his mind.

Mercedes walked to school the next day and called out for Sam. She hadn't seen him all week which was weird. She had seen him every day since she was six. After no reply, she walked in silence. She figured he was mad at her, but he had never been angry for that long before. She jumped at the sound of a twig snapping and spun around to stare at a tall blonde man following her. He grinned and she quickly turned around and walked faster. She heard his pace increasing and she tried walking at pretty much a run. She heard a loud thump and saw the man on the ground shaking his head. She slowly walked back and stared at him.

"Why the hell are you following me?" she eyed the attractive teenager on the ground. He looked up at her and smiled.

"Because I always do." Her eyes grew wide and she screamed for help, "MERCY MERCY STOP!" he covered his ears.

"What did you call me?" she stared at him with worry and confusion.

"Mercy...it's me...Sam." Sam didn't have enough time to catch her before she hit the ground. _Well that could have gone a lot better._


	2. Chapter 2

Sam crawled over to the passed out woman on the sidewalk. He shook her gently but she was pretty much dead to the world. He didn't know what else to do so he blew on her face. He blew and blew until he felt light headed. _This breathing thing sucks, it isn't as fun as I remembered it._ Luckily she began to stir. She slowly opened her eyes and looked up into the face of the blonde man above her. _There's my girl, there's my Merc-_

"SAVE ME LAWD HAVE MERCY SAVE ME!" she tried to back away from him. He crawled over to her quickly and put his hand over her mouth. She bit him, hard.

"OW Damn Mercy, I've had this body for like two seconds and you're trying to ruin it already." He held his hand to his chest and sat next to the shocked woman.

"Who are you?...how do you know who I am, how do you know about Sam?" she looked around to see if she was being spied on.

"Because I AM Sam!" he stared pleadingly at her. People walked by them and stared at the couple on the ground. "What are you looking at huh?" he threw his hands in the air. "Can't two friends CONVERSE ON THE GROUND!" Mercedes pulled one of his hands down and stared at him.

"Prove it that you're Sam." She slowly and shakily stood up. Sam got on all fours and slowly got up as well. Mercedes raised her eyebrow at the pitiful man. "What is wrong with you? You got osteoporosis or something?" Sam laughed.

"No...just not used to being so fucking heavy. God...how do alive people do this?" he sighed and took a deep breath. This talking and air thing was going to take some time. "Well, I've known you all of your life. You're an only child, we used to play Barbies when you were little." Mercedes shook her head,

"Everyone plays with Barbies!" she crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm going to need some more."

"I used to hold your hand in therapy." He looked sheepish, "I felt really bad that your parents thought you were crazy."

"HOW DID YOU KNOW...," she looked around and spoke more quietly, "How did you know I went to therapy?" she narrowed her eyes at him, "No one knows that."

"No one but your parents, the psychiatrist, and me." Mercedes shook her head and stared at the man in front of her. She was trying really hard to believe that this was her Sam in the flesh. She suddenly began to cry. Sam reached out to hug her but she put her hands up to stop him.

"How...what?" she stared at him in confusion and then a look of horror crossed her face. "Oh my God!" she whispered forcefully, "Did you kill this person and invade his body?" Sam rolled his eyes.

"I should have never made you rent those sci-fi movies for me." He grabbed her hand and pulled her to walk with him. He didn't want her late for school. "No...this person died." He looked sad. "He died and ...I took his body."

"That's nasty." She shook her head, "Are you going to decay?"

"NO, I will not DECAY!...well I don't think I will." He sighed, "I just wanted to be closer to you...I figured veins and a heartbeat would do that."

"I'll say," she looked him over and noticed his muscular arms and pouty lips. "You look good not dead though. Less transparent." Sam laughed.

"Yea, but it sucks. I have to use the toilet when I don't want to. I have to figure out if I'm hungry before I pass out from the lack of food. I have to remember to breathe, I tried to pop into my room once and just farted in front of my 'parents'...it's a hard life man." he shrugged.

"Your what! Where've you been all this time?" she looked him over and noticed the nice clothes.

"Oh...yea..." he scratched the back of his neck, "Apparently I have a family and I have friends. Well this guy did." He gestured to his body and she stared at him with her mouth open. She wasn't sure why she was so surprised. "Yea, my names Chris Jacobson...it's weird. They think I have amnesia, which is kind of awesome but really weird." Mercedes stared at him in confusion.

"Why?"

Sam laughed, "Well I have no recollection of anything from that life and I insist that they call me Sam." He shook his head, "I told them that I needed to transfer to this school to get better." He winked at her. "Might've been dead, but I'm not dumb."

Mercedes' head hurt from all of the confusion and the fall to the ground didn't help. "So...what the hell are you planning to do as a human?" He stopped walking and let go of her hand. He turned around to face her and gently cupped her face in his large hands.

"I plan on doing a lot of human things with you...A LOT of human things with you." He leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips. He nibbled on her bottom lip and she placed her hands on his now solid hips. She slowly opened her mouth to give him more access. Sam tried to remember how to kiss. He guessed sticking his tongue in the moist hole would be a good idea. He felt their tongues slide over each other and realised he was running out of air and that there was pain in his groin area. _Damn you teenaged body. _He pulled away and stared at the shorter woman who was still puckered up. He bent down and gave her a quick peck.

"Wow..." was all she managed. Sam grinned at his job well done. _Good job human body...good job._ Mercedes blushed.

"Not bad for a dead guy." She pulled a disgusted face and scolded herself for the words.

"CHRIS?" a faint voice came from across the street.

"Let's do that again shall we?" Sam bent down to kiss Mercedes again.

"CHRIS JACOBSON, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

Sam groaned at the high voice. Mercedes stared at the brunette woman heading towards them. "Who the hell is that?"

Sam covered his eyes, "Ugh...my girlfriend."


	3. Chapter 3

Mercedes stared at the long haired brunette woman, who looked like she had just walked off of the set of Happy Days. The woman was glaring at Sam and giving Mercedes some serious side eye.

"Chris!" she had yelled when she finally reached them, "What the H-E- DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS are you doing?" Sam stared at Mercedes who was still trying to process everything that was happening in front of her right now.

"Uh hey!" he said looking at the brunette. "You see...what had happened was...um...Mercy was choking on a skittle right...so I was like...oh shit! She's tasting the rainbow!...right so then I was going to give her mouth to mouth...but then you screamed and she got scared and she swallowed it." Sam put his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth on his heels. "Yep...that is what happened in this particular situation." The brunette stared at Mercedes who was glaring at Sam.

"Wow honey, that's amazing!" she hugged Sam who immediately tried peeling her off. The woman laughed. "Aww you're so silly, trying to play hard to get." She playfully swatted his arm. She leaned up to kiss him and Sam put his finger to her lips and turned her head away.

"Kissing in front of strangers is rude." He rolled his eyes. The brunette looked sad for a moment and then smiled.

"You're right...we should keep all romance inside in case paparazzi are already following me." she grinned and flipped her hair. Mercedes had a strong desire to snatch off her headband and jab it up her big nose. "Well aren't you going to introduce me to your...uh friend here." Sam rolled his eyes.

"Mercy this is...um...this is...the girl that Chris, I mean that I am stuck...I am dating right now." He finally choked out. Mercedes had to cover her mouth to stop herself from laughing.

"He's such a silly man," the woman laughed, "I'm Rachel Berry." She extended her hand and Mercedes reluctantly shook it.

"Rachel! Yes...that's my girlfriend's name!" He pulled out a pen and wrote on his hand. Rachel turned and stared at him.

"He's recovering from an accident," she nodded her head and then whispered to Mercedes, "Amnesia they say. It's awfully dramatic and I wish that I could just bottle up his life and perform it on stage." She smiled to herself.

"The fuck? Bottle up what? Girl...you cray." Sam kissed his teeth. Mercedes smacked Sam.

"Sorry can you give me one second with uh...Chris?" Rachel reluctantly nodded. Mercedes pulled him to the side and out of Rachel's hearing range. She pinched him hard.

"Ow!" he yelled and clutched his arm. Mercedes looked over and smiled at Rachel who was looking worried.

"Sam, you can't be Sam." He stared at her as if she was crazy, "You need to be Chris."

Sam shook his head, "Chris went out with a nut job like that chick over there and she calls us Ropher...Mercedes I'm scared," Mercedes rolled her eyes.

"What the hell is a Ropher?" she folded her arms over her chest.

"Christopher and Rachel...she made our names a hybrid...now if that doesn't scream psycho then I don't know what does." He stared at the woman over his shoulder. "Save me!" she shook her head.

"You have to treat the people in his life with respect." She sighed, "This is so complicated."

Sam rubbed her arm, "Mercy...I just want to be with you, I just want to cuddle with you while you're awake and not just creepishly stare at you while you're asleep because you drool sometimes, it's cute and all but sometimes you fart a little and then it gets a little weird and I don't know if I should leave—" Mercedes put her hand up.

"Stop talking." Sam immediately shut up and pouted, "That's the creepiest shit you have ever told me." Sam grinned, "But you need to let her down gently or something because she is obviously enamoured by the guy you took over. So they were probably really in love."

"I don't know...I finally managed to get into his computer the other day, and this guy had a thing for girls with tig ol bitties." Sam looked over at the woman who was impatiently waiting. "And...she does not have them."

"Sam, you have to do this...you owe it to him," she poked the firm chest and he sighed. He turned around and walked back to Rachel.

"Hey...you" he smiled down at her. "Why are you here anyways? Don't you go to our old school...which is way across town and far from me...I mean here." Rachel clapped and squealed in delight.

"That's what I came to tell you silly!" she jumped up and down and Sam had a bad feeling in his new gut. "I transferred to help you in your new school!" she pulled him into a hug and Sam mouthed the words 'kill me' over her head to Mercedes. Mercedes bit her lip and shrugged.

"I'm so excited..." Sam choked out, "Well we'll be late for class," he nudged her off of him, turned, and quickly walked away. Rachel ran behind him and laughed. Mercedes ran behind the brunette.

"Wow! I've never seen you so excited for school before." she laughed.

Sam stopped abruptly. "I know you should dump me...it'll sting...but I'll pull through." He said hopefully.

Rachel giggled, "I like it a lot," she said in a seductive voice. Mercedes grimaced and Sam pulled a disgusted face. Sam suddenly pulled Mercedes aside and whispered to her.

"I can't do this...she's insane." He shook his head, "Let me tell her I'm dead, that will make her poop Oscars." Mercedes tried to avoid the glare the brunette was giving her. "I didn't sign up for this Mercy, I just wanted to be with you so badly." Mercedes looked into his green eyes and sighed.

"Alright come over tonight, we'll come up with something," He smiled and leaned down to kiss her, so she pinched his side causing him to scream. "oh my God! He's having pains!" she walked over to Rachel. "Let's get him to school quickly." Rachel frantically nodded and the two women helped Sam/Chris to school.


	4. Chapter 4

Sam gave Mercedes side eye all the way to school as he gently rubbed his side, "Woman!" Mercedes turned to look at him, "Why are you so violent!" he whispered to her when Rachel went to go get a drink of water from the fountain. "These are new nerves! You can't be pinching me all willy nilly."

"Well stop trying to make moves on me! You have a girlfriend Sam!" She whispered back just as fiercely.

"No...I am Sam, Sam is dead, Chris is the one who chose to date man hands over there," he looked over at Rachel and grimaced, "Sometimes I wonder if he was gay with how manly she looks..." Rachel bounded back over to them and Sam rolled his eyes. Rachel stood next to him and held his hand. Sam suddenly sneezed and his hand flew out of her grasp to cover his nose.

Rachel smiled fondly at him and rubbed his back, "So where's the nurses office?" she turned to Mercedes. Sam sneezed again and itched his arms. Mercedes looked him over and wondered what he was up to. "I can take Chris there by myself, since I'm his girlfriend and all." She placed her hand on his chest and Sam looked at it like it was a spider. "I have to keep him in good health so he can come with me to New York after this semester."

"The hell I am," he blurted out. He sneezed again and tried to clear his throat. "oh my god, what is this.." he scratched his arms.

"I don't know...it looks like you're allergic to something," Rachel looked at him weirdly. Sam sneezed again.

"I think..." his eyes widened, "I think I'm allergic to you." He turned to Rachel and she gave him a confused face. "I wasn't sneezing until you came back over here." He scratched his neck, "I think it's a side effect of the accident!" Rachel squinted her eyes.

"I...I've never heard of that...BUT IT MAKES SENSE!" she nodded enthusiastically, "The thing you love the most your body would repel after trauma," she looked at Mercedes who was pinching the bridge of her nose and shaking her head, "It's so romantic and insane all at once. Oh my god Chris...you love me so much that you can't stand me." Sam scowled. "...It's like the Sound of Music." Mercedes raised her eyebrow at the stupidity leaving the brunette's mouth.

"Yea...sure...can you get me some Viagra?" Sam leaned against a locker and some students passed by and stared at the scene.

"Um...wha-...Viagra?" Rachel stuttered.

"I think he means Allegra." Mercedes rolled her eyes and Sam winked at her.

"Hurry Rachel! My eyes are swelling from your smell!" Rachel stared at him and put her hand on his chest.

"You're so brave." She stared into his eyes and whispered, "I love you." She blew a kiss into his face and turned around and ran off to find the office. Sam stared after her and then slowly turned to Mercedes.

"See that chick is crazy... CRAZAY," he stared at the shorter woman. "I think her parents misspelled her name when she was born, I'm pretty sure they meant to call her Ratchet."

Mercedes suppressed a laugh so that she could scold him, "I cannot believe you just pulled a stunt from Saved by the Bell on that girl. You are not Lisa Turtle suck it up and deal with her." She pursed her lips and put her hand on her hips. "Sam I have to go to class." She looked at the clock and saw that she had less than ten minutes to get to history.

"I know and I'm going with you." He smiled down at her. "I got my parents to put me into all of your classes." He put on a cocky smile.

"Are you insane?" she glared at him. "Why would you do that?"

"Mercy! I did this for you, I want to be with you!" he started to cry, "Oh my god, my face is leaking, why does my chest hurt. WHY AM I SO SAD!" he yelled and people turned to stare at him. Mercedes tried to shush him.

"Shh stop," she looked around them and saw a girl staring at the blubbering man, "His hamster died okay! Move along with your crusty hair" she grabbed his arm and walked with him to class. "Sam you're acting like a menopausal woman." She started to laugh.

"I can't control my emotions yet," he wiped his eyes. "I cried yesterday at a Trix cereal commercial," he slightly shook his head.

"Sam are you serious?" she looked at him from the corner of her eye.

"THEY HAD ENOUGH CEREAL TO GIVE HIM MERCEDES!" he looked at her seriously and she burst out laughing. "There was no excuse for those kids to be so damn greedy." She looked over at him and smiled. "Silly rabbit trix are for kids, mhm, my ass." He muttered.

She slowly shook her head and sighed, "I really missed you this week...I was scared that I had scared you off." They stood by her history class door and he gazed down at her. "I know we've had a lot of fights overtime. But that was the longest we've ever been apart." She felt her eyes slightly well up. Sam gently touched her face and smiled.

"I love being able to feel how warm and smooth your skin is...it's unreal." He had so much love in his eyes for her. It was weird looking into the green eyes of this man she had never seen before that morning. The only distinctive thing about Sam before he was a human was the fact that his eyes were green...everything else had been just a greyish white. It was as if someone had finally taken a box of crayons and coloured him in. Sam laughed.

"I can still hear your thoughts you know," He grinned at her and Mercedes started blushing. "I assure you...I was quite the looker in my day. You know...before the whole dead thing"

"Stop eaves dropping on my mind Sam!" she playfully glared at him and swatted his arm.

"I'm trying, but that thought was too cute for me not to mention." The bell rang and the two jumped.

"You two get to class!" a teacher walked by. Sam looked over at Mercedes and pulled the door open for her.

"Ladies first and then sexy ghost men." Mercedes laughed and walked into the classroom. She hoped their meeting tonight could help her figure out Sam's situation with Rachel. But she was mostly excited to just spend some time with the big lipped man.


	5. Chapter 5

"Sam I am so angry with you right now!" Mercedes fumed as she quickly walked to her locker with Sam in tow.

"I'm sorry! I told you that I can't control my emotions, I just have so many that I can't remember which one is appropriate to do at which time!" He exclaimed as he tried to run behind her. He didn't mind very much that she was walking quickly in front of him because he got to view the motion of her firm tush. He had an urge to smack it, caress it, or even turn it into a comforting pillow, but he knew she was mad and that it was probably the wrong time for him to do it.

"Well I can assure you that when a teacher says that World War II was a tragedy, that laughing is not the appropriate response!" she yelled at him over her shoulder. Sam groaned as he remembered the glares from the other students in the class. He was pretty sure that crying would have been the more appropriate response. "I just can't with you." She stopped at her locker and Sam caught up to her and leaned on the locker beside it.

His eyes widened, "Mercy...I'm sorry." he reached out to lightly touch her cheek and she sighed. She leaned into his soft touch and he relished the feel of the heat that radiated off of her body. "It's so nice not to be cold anymore...it's so fucking nice," He said more softly. Her eyes widened as she looked at him with sympathy in her eyes.

"I'm still mad at you." She pulled away and grabbed some books out of her locker.

"Well I can fix all of that tonight..." he winked at her, "Because now we can fornicate!" he said loudly and cheerfully. Mercedes quickly slapped him hard on the arm, "THE HELL!" she glared up at him.

"Fool, you are no longer invisible! People can hear you when you say shit like that." She rolled her eyes. "I can't take you anywhere."

"You can take me to cervix town." He winked at her. Mercedes' jaw dropped and Sam wiggled his eyebrows.

"Where in the hell did you learn something like that?" She placed her hand on her hip and glared up into the face of the taller man.

"The locker room when I was a ghost...some guys were talking about it. Especially this one guy in particular. There was something dead on the top of his head...it looked like a squirrel." Mercedes shook her head.

"Never repeat anything Puck says to you or around you...he is the ethnically unspecified Stiffler of our school." She closed her locker and stared him down. "Promise me that you will stay far away from him." Before Sam could answer, the couple heard a loud shrill voice from behind them.

"Christopherrrrrr!" Sam's eye twitched as he braced himself for the intrusion. He assumed it must be what waiting for a colonoscopy was like. In this case, he'd rather have the colonoscopy. He closed his eyes and felt her arms wrap around his waist. "Hey love bug!" Sam grimaced as he turned around in her grasp to face her.

"Hi Ratchet...I mean Rachel." Mercedes covered her mouth to stop from laughing.

"I brought you your medicine!" she said in a sing song voice that grated on Sam's nerves. "SO no more allergy mishaps." She snuggled her face into his chest and Sam looked over his shoulder to ask Mercedes for help with his eyes. Rachel inhaled, "you smell like New York." She exclaimed. Sam wasn't sure how to take that comment.

"Um...okay." He gently dislodged her arms from around his body. "That's weird and thanks for the medicine...I can't wait to be able to be close to you again," he managed to spit out with a pained expression.

"Just to be close to you BOYYYYYY!" she screeched out. Mercedes covered her ears, _Now I know this child did not just butcher a commodores song! Nobody has time for that_. "Just for a moment! Well, just for an hour." She continued to belt out and Sam put his finger to her lips. He slowly shook his head no.

"What? But Chris you love my singing! In fact we sing together every Saturday at the old folk's home." Rachel pouted.

"Rachel! Half of them are deaf and I'm pretty sure your voice made them that way!" Sam folded his arms over his chest.

"Wow..." Rachel looked down at her feet. Sam felt slightly bad for a moment, "YOU THINK MY SINGING IS SO POWERFUL THAT IT CAN MAKE PEOPLE DEAF!" she snapped her head back up and squealed in delight. She pulled his face down to hers and kissed him deeply. Mercedes had to hold herself back from grabbing a pair of scissors and selling the girls hair for a nickel on Ebay. Rachel released him and smiled, "My baby is so supportive!" She grinned at Mercedes, "Well see you guys later." She twirled away in her granny dress and bounded down the hall. Sam stood staring after her speechless. Mercedes pushed him hard into the locker.

"Thanks, I needed that" he gave her a worried look and then glanced back at Rachel. "I need to get away from her." He stared at her with a grim look.

"Sam what's wrong?" he shook his head and pulled her into a hug.

"Nothing, just tonight, your place, be nekkid." He grinned at her. She rolled her eyes at him.

"In your dreams," she chuckled. He raised his eyebrow, as if he was saying "oh really?" Sam quickly grabbed her hand and almost ran down the hall with her until they were in a more secluded hallway. He pulled her into the janitor's closet and pressed his body against hers. The weight made her stumble back into the wall. He bent his head and gently sucked the sensitive areas of her neck. Mercedes eyes flew open as she realised what he was doing.

"I've seen your body before...it's so sexy." He whispered as he placed kisses along her neck and her chin, "I've studied it...like a map. A map that I want to explore, and baby I don't need to ask for directions." He muttered as he nipped at her chin. Mercedes took a deep breath and pushed him back.

"We deal with Ratchet Berry first and then you can enjoy my landmarks." Sam sighed and reluctantly opened the door to let her out. They stood outside of the door together and he pecked her forehead.

"Alright. See you tonight." He turned to walk away.

"Sam! We have class together!" she yelled at his back in confusion.

"I know, but I think my body needs to pee!" He jogged in the direction of the bathroom and Mercedes laughed and shook her head.

* * *

Mercedes bit her lip as she nervously waited for the doorbell to ring. She had told her parents that Sam was a friend who needed help with school work. She couldn't tell them that his name was Sam or they would have panicked all over again. She heard the doorbell and ran down the stairs.

"I got it!" she yelled as she opened the door. She stared open mouthed at the boy with the sunglasses, black leather jacket, tight black leather pants, and white shirt. "What the fuck Sam?" She hissed under her breath, "You look like a blonde Michael Jackson from the album Bad." She pulled him inside by the front of his shirt and he grinned at her.

"Yea I know!" he said quietly as he took off his sun glasses and black loafers. "You're dad loves Michael!" Mercedes closed her eyes and put her hand up for him to shut up.

"He loves Michael _Jordan_ fool." She sighed, "Never mind, it's too late now." As if on cue her mother walked out of the living room into the foyer. Her eyebrows shot up so high it almost touched her hair line.

"Uh... okay well hello!" she stretched out her hand for the young man to shake. Sam took it and kissed it gently. Mercedes resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "Ooo," her mother managed to squeal, "What a nice gentleman we have here." She winked at Mercedes, "Are you eating with us Chris?" Sam stared blankly at her for a moment and then realised she was talking to him.

"Yes!" he said at the same time Mercedes yelled no. They looked at each other and Sam grinned, "I'd love to share dinner with you fine folk."

"Okay, well dinner will be ready in a few minutes." She rubbed her daughters back as she walked by.

"Yes she pat your back! That means she's pleased with you." He silently cheered. "And her thoughts weren't half bad either." He began to blush. Mercedes gave him side eye as she stared at him.

"Sam, you can hardly control your own emotions and you still forget your name. So why the hell would you volunteer to have dinner with my PARENTS!" she whispered harshly and dragged him to the dining room.

"Well I thought it'd be good to actually meet my future in laws instead of just lurking around while they slept and stuff." He rubbed her shoulder. "You worry too much...it'll be fine!" Just then Mercedes' father walked into the room and eyed the man who was touching his daughter.

"Well...I've heard we have a guest for dinner." He made no move towards Sam, so Sam walked over to him and extended his hand.

"I'm Chris and your home is lovely, I particularly like the flooring. It shows strength!" Mercedes dad stared hard at Sam and then smiled.

"You've got a good eye son! I worked on this floor with my own two hands and my bad back." Sam nodded. "I'm just getting old now."

"I'm just shocked that you and Mrs. Jones had Mercedes so young!" Mercedes hand flew to her head to calm the growing headache from all the fuckery happening. "Because I'm sorry, but you can't be older than thirty five." Mr. Jones roared with laughter and clapped Sam so hard on the back that he felt like his spirit was going to dislodge itself from his new body.

"Dinner's ready!" Mrs. Jones walked back in carrying some pots and Sam offered to help. "No that's fine. You're our guest." They all sat down and began to eat.

"Wow! I've always wondered what your food tasted like." Sam said in between bites, "It always looked so good when you cooked it." Mrs. Jones gave him a weird look.

"I'm sorry?..." she asked confused.

"You know when I watched you cook." Mercedes stared at Sam as he practically inhaled his dinner. She quickly kicked him causing him to choke. She smacked his back.

"He means to say that he peeked in while you were cooking." Her mother relaxed and nodded as Sam gulped down his glass of water. He moved awkwardly in his pants and a sound came out. He quickly looked over at Mercedes. She leaned over to whisper to him, "It's your pants don't worry." He nodded and ate silently. After the rest of the awkward dinner, Mercedes asked her parents if they could be excused.

"Yes but keep your door open, you know the rules!" her father said as he rubbed his belly. She nodded and led Sam to the bedroom he was very familiar with. She watched as he struggled to walk up the stairs.

"What is wrong with you? You look like your taking a poop!" Sam looked at her in alarm and tried to look behind him. He looked back at her and glared.

"That's not funny. I sneezed once and it—" Mercedes put her hand up and shook her head.

"I do not want to know." He nodded and slowly made his way up the rest of the stairs.

"Oh my God these pants are super tight." He groaned as he finally reached the second floor. He was red and panting. "And now I ate too much." He sighed and walked to her bedroom. Mercedes laughed at him as he struggled to sit. Sam gave up and just stood near her. "It's like getting tighter!" he tried pulling on the material. "Okay so...why aren't you naked?" he said quietly and seductively. Mercedes had to restrain herself from jumping on him.

"Because we are here for more important things like getting rid of your girlfriend." She walked over to her bag and bent over to pull out her school binder. She had scribbled notes and ideas to herself during classes so she wouldn't forget. Suddenly she felt arms around her waist and lips on the back of her neck. "Sam! What are you doing? My parents are downstairs." He nuzzled the skin on the side of her face and she giggled.

"Mhm, and it'll take them twenty seconds for them to get up those stairs." She let his hands roam up her stomach and lightly touch her breast. Her breath hitched and she pulled away.

"Sam I'm serious, we need to do this!" she was fighting a losing battle and she didn't know how much longer she could hold him off before she caved into her own urges.

"But you're my girlfriend." He pouted, "Chris was her boyfriend, I'm not. Mercedes, she sings all the time...even when it doesn't make sense and then she looks like she's crying, but then she's not...I just don't understand her face." Mercedes laughed and gently kissed him on the cheek. Sam turned his head quickly and captured her mouth and pulled her in for a deep kiss. Dropping her binder on the ground she pulled away and shoved him on to her bed before she straddled him. His hands travelled down her body as she kissed and nibbled his ear. She moved her body back and forth as an attempt to satisfy her want.

"Mercy...st—" she crushed her mouth down on his and he pulled away, "I...oh my God..." she smiled and kissed him again thinking that he was just caught up in the moment. "No Mercy! My body is trying to explode!" she stared at his panicked face.

"What?" she said looking him over.

"Something's happening in my pants and it hurts!" She quickly got off of him and looked at the huge bulge in his pants. "Oh my God!" he whispered fiercely, "My body is trying to break apart in my pants." Mercedes shook her head and tried to stop laughing.

"Sam you just have a boner you idiot!" She laughed. Sam started to turn red and shook his head.

"My pants...too tight... can't handle erection." Mercedes started to panic as she noticed the bulge was still growing, "Penis...too big!" he squealed as he tugged at his pants. "GET EM OFF!" he yelled. He unzipped the pants and Mercedes grabbed the ends. She tugged and pulled, but they wouldn't budge. "Oh my God it's going to lose circulation and fall off! I'M GOING TO BE PENISLESS!" he screamed. Mercedes continued to pull when her parents ran to her door.

"What in the tomato picking hell!" Her father yelled from the door.

"Dad his pants are stuck and he can't breathe!" Mercedes stared at her parents as she tried to pull Sam's pants off. Her parents looked at each other and did rock paper scissors.

"Well shit!" Her dad walked over to Sam who was slightly turning blue, "Alright now hold on son!" Mercedes moved aside and Mr. Jones pulled on the bottom of Sam's pants until they finally slid off causing the older man to fly backwards on to the ground. Mr Jones looked at the pants and noticed the batman briefs still inside them. He heard his wife gasp and his daughter begin to laugh uncontrollably as she covered Sam with her blanket.

"Never in my Got Damned life have I ever pulled off another man's pants before," Mr Jones shook his head as he stood up and handed the pants to the blushing boy on the bed. "You better calm your hormones around my daughter young man, or I'm going to stuff you back into these pants and make you sit outside in the heat. Do I make myself clear?" Sam nodded vigorously, "Good, now put your drawers back on and go home to your family, it is late." The older man rubbed his back and walked out of the room. Mercedes mom's eyes were watering from the laughter she was holding back as she exited the room.

"Well...that was fun." Sam looked at Mercedes who was shaking her head and grinning. "Do you have any track pants I can borrow?" Mercedes bit her lip and looked over at her closet before a mischievous look entered her eyes. "What's that look for?"

* * *

Mercedes stood at the door with Sam and gave him a hug. "This was a sign that we need to get Rachel away before we try anything." Sam rolled his eyes and nodded.

"Fine." He bent over and kissed her cheek, "I love you." She smiled.

"I love you too, text me when you get home." The blonde man nodded and held his leather pants firmly in his hand before he turned around to walk down her sidewalk. He reached behind him and pulled out the wedgie that her Lululemon yoga pants were giving him. She watched as the taller man attempted to pull down the legs of the pants only to expose his batman briefs and then he would pull it back up. She covered her face to laugh. She was happy that she 'forgot' to offer him track pants from her dad's closet instead.


	6. Chapter 6

Sam and Mercedes sat at the picnic table during fourth period lunch. They were looking over her ideas in her binder to figure out what they needed to do with Rachel. Sam sighed.

"Mercy, none of these are going to work. She's psychotic and for some damned reason Chris gave her a key to his house while they were dating." He shook his head and a look of fear crossed his face. "I woke up this morning to find her in my bed, facing me, singing Good Morning Starshine." Mercedes' eyes grew wide and she burst out laughing. "It's not funny...I peed a little from the fear." He looked down at the binder, "But telling her that I'm dying from an incurable illness won't make her leave, it'll just make her cut locks of my hair off, start a shrine, and sit by my bed every day until I die." He turned to Mercedes and shook her, "UNTIL I EFFIN DIE MERCY...and I'm already dead!"

"Please tell me you took the key away from her." Mercedes slowly stopped laughing and looked over at the blonde.

"I tried...she hid it in her bra and told me to come and get it." Sam had a disgusted look, "I told her I wasn't touching her long titty no nipple having breast and that she could keep the damn key and leave my room."

"Ouch, what did she say to that?" Mercedes knew Sam didn't want the girl, but she didn't want her to be hurt too. As much as Sam was hers, his body belonged to the man who had belonged to Rachel.

"She giggled and said she was okay with me playing hard to get. She said it reminded her of when we first began to date. In my opinion Chris tried to run for the hills and she blackmailed him into dating her...I still don't know with what...but I honestly don't know who would voluntarily date the looney tune." Sam took a sip of his coke. "Ahhh I love being able to taste things again." He slowly looked over at her and wiggled his eyebrows.

"You're nasty," Mercedes laughed, but felt a tingle run down her spine. "Well I don't know, what have you come up with?"

"I say we send her to a crack house!" Mercedes rolled her eyes, "No I'm serious we send her to a crack house and they will adopt her and she will sing to them while they are high, so then she will actually sound good. Its fool proof."

"Sam we're trying to get rid of her! Not get her killed you jackass. What else do you have?"

"Okay how about this!...I propose to her an—"

"Sam that is worse than the crack house idea." Mercedes closed her binder in a huff.

"No listen, I propose to her and then I tell her we're going to the chapel right? Then I drive her down to the train station break up with her and tell her I'm setting her free! And then she'll break out in tears or a song, or both because that's all she ever does, and then she'll go to New York...FOREVER." Sam burst out into maniacal laughter as Mercedes stared at him as if he was stupid, "Hey it's a good idea, either she becomes famous or gets kidnapped by very friendly deaf people, who she can sing to all day. It's a win win."

"Stop trying to send her places, the woman is like a damned boomerang, she will always find her way back. We need an idea that will make sure that her obsession with you is done, so that she won't want to come back." Sam slowly nodded.

"You're right, we should push her IN FRONT of the train!" Mercedes kissed her teeth, "Or...oh my God Mercedes!" He grabbed her hand and she jumped at his excitement. "How about we find someone else to date her!" his excitement slowly faded, "wait...damn no one is insane enough to do that." Just then a football crashed on the table causing the couple to jump and stare at the ball.

"Yo Mercedes and trouty face! Can one of you throw the ball back?" Sam and Mercedes stared at the three football players waiting for the ball to be thrown back. The couple slowly looked at each other and grinned mischievously.

"You picking up what I'm throwing down short stuff?" Sam smiled at her with a twinkle in his eyes.

"Oh hells yes." Sam threw the ball back to the group and they nodded their thanks before running off. "So how do we do it?"

"We can make it a group date. Me, you, ratchet the screech owl, and those three guys. She'd have to fall for one of them if we set it up well enough." Mercedes slowly nodded.

"Yes! Let's go to laser quest or something. We can eat first and then make sure that she doesn't sing so her chances aren't ruined. She'd probably want to date one of them for sure, because she loves standing out and being popular right?"

"Right, my baby girl is so smart" he leaned over and kissed her. Mercedes went to put her arms around him when they heard the screech.

"Chris! Why are you always wrapped around Mercedes!" Sam quickly jumped back and stared at Rachel Berry who had her arms folded over her chest.

"Wow Rachel, calm down, I was just saving her life. You see she has asthma and she was running laps and shit. And then she realised oh shit I forgot I have asthma. And she just got diagnosed yesterday right? Which is why she forgot." Sam scratched the back of his head. "So she doesn't have an inhaler yet and I saw her and she's like oh my God I'm dying I need air, so I blew some into her mouth and...gave her life." Rachel stared at him with a blank expression. Sam rubbed his sweaty palms on his legs. _Well fuck me, I think I broke her._

She started to cry and shook her head. Sam's heart began to squeeze as he felt the guilt overcome him. "My boyfriend is so amazingly wonderful." She sat down beside him and stared into his eyes, "Sometimes I wonder if we are meant to be, and I just wonder if I should move on and just go to New York by myself and become a famous Broadway star." Sam started to nod.

"Yes you should go away and never come back to a simpleton like me, in fact I can buy you a tick—" Rachel put her fingers to his lips and Sam sniffed them and made a face. _Smells like she just picked a damn wedgie out of her butt and now it's on my damn mouth._ He tried to fight the nausea.

"Don't you see...I can never leave you. You're so perfect, always saving others! I love you Christopher, I will forever ship Ropher...forever." She stopped crying and a determined look entered her eyes.

"Now how about I ship your ass to China." Sam said after pulling her hand away from his mouth.

"What he means is that he would love for you both to travel to China!" Mercedes squeezed his shoulder hard as a warning for him to shut up. She whispered into his ear, "Bitch is the Hulk and you do not play around with crazy." She smiled at Rachel and spoke out loud, "We were thinking we should go to laser quest tonight with some friends. Are you down?"

"I wanna be down, I wanna be down with you!" Rachel made her crying face and belted out the lyrics.

"Did...did you really just do that to Brandy? Did you really just destroy the woman's song like tha—OW" Sam tried to finish but Mercedes pinched his back.

"Perfect! We'll meet for dinner at like 7?" Rachel squealed with glee and kissed her boyfriend on the mouth. Mercedes had to turn away.

"Great see you tonight babes, see you Mercedes." She got up and skipped away in her ugly sweater to class. Mercedes stared at the back of Sam's head before he slowly turned around to face her.

"Do you think gargling with bleach is dangerous?" he finally said as he stared at her. "Her mouth even tastes crazy. It tasted like fries and failure." Mercedes shook her head and looked over at the three jocks.

"I need to work my magic. I'll see you in class." She kissed his cheek and walked over to invite the boys out for fun and games.

* * *

That night Mercedes sat at the restaurant table with the guys as they waited for Sam and Rachel to show up. She was kind of worried since the last text she had gotten from him just said 'kill me' over and over again.

"There they are." She looked up from the table and smiled at the annoyed looking Sam and the beaming Rachel. Mercedes eyes widened as she took in the woman's long dress and knitted sweater. Sam pulled out the chair beside one of the jocks on the other side of the table and Rachel sat down in it. He proceeded to walk to the opposite side of the table to sit beside Mercedes. Rachel looked at him with a frown.

"I just want to be able to stare at you all night!" he grinned. Rachel blushed and giggled. Finn leaned over to speak to Mercedes.

"I thought you said she was single." Mercedes quietly spoke back.

"She is, she just loves to flirt." Finn grinned and nodded. Mercedes leaned over to speak into Sam's ear. "I told you to make sure she wore something sexy." Sam grimaced.

"That was the sexiest thing we could find in her closet." Mercedes grimaced right along with him.

"Well let's introduce everyone. Chris, Rachel, this is Jesse St. James, Finn Hudson, and Noah Puckerman." Mercedes pointed to the three jocks around the table.

"Nice to meet ya'll" Sam smiled, "Rachel is by far the best woman in the world! She volunteers, she can sing! But she won't for the night because she has to rest her beautiful voice. She likes old fashioned clothing to hide all of the sexy that is underneath." Rachel stared at him and then smiled.

"Girl you are pretty fine. I'd peel back all those layers with my teeth." Puck grinned at her as he looked her over.

"Yea you remind me of a flower...a hot flower." Finn chimed in beside his friend. Rachel fanned herself from all of the compliments.

"You have pretty eyes Chris." Jesse said while staring at the blonde. Sam looked at Mercedes from the corner of his eye and Mercedes stared at Jesse. "I also like your shirt...shows off your muscles." Jesse winked at the green eyed man and sipped his water.

"Mercy, can I speak to you for a sec." Sam choked out. Mercedes quickly nodded and the two rushed over to the restaurant door. "Why didn't you tell me he was gay!" he whispered to her.

"He's gay?" Sam nodded quickly and looked over at Jesse who was frowning in their direction.

"Oh yea...he's very gay. I can hear his thoughts right now...don't get me wrong, I'm really flattered that he wants to train my dragon to enter his cave,...but we need him for Rachel and he was our best bet right?" he looked over at Mercedes with a worried expression.

"He wants you to put your thing in his mouth?" Mercedes whispered fiercely.

"That wasn't the cave he was thinking about..." Sam slowly glanced at Jesse who was sucking his straw suggestively as he stared at them. "But yea...he was perfect for Ratchet...what do we do now?"

"Yea, because he really loves singing and is in a lot of competitions. Shit." Mercedes put her hand to her head. "Okay don't panic, I'll keep him busy, you keep on working with the other two and Rachel." Sam nodded and the two walked back over to the table.

Rachel was in a very deep conversation with Finn. "Yea I love things!" Finn exclaimed with excitement.

"I love things too." She gushed and smiled, "So you like singing!"

"Yea I love singing, I play the drums too but I can't dance." Finn shrugged and Puck studied his nails next to him.

"I can dance too...well I can make my pecks dance." Puck interrupted the conversation and showed the group his pectoral dance. Rachel grinned and tried to find her straw to put in her mouth as she stared at his chest. Puck noticed that she was flustered and grinned.

Finn watched the two of them and glared at Puck. Sam looked over at Mercedes and grinned. Things were going better than they expected.

"So Chris...you're new to the school eh? You should watch me in a production sometime...it will rock your world I assure you." Jesse grinned while looking Sam's body over.

"Well Chris is a really busy guy, with trying to catch up in school and all. Right Chris?" Mercedes tried to deter Jesse. Sam looked over at her and smiled.

"Yea I'm really busy with Mercedes tutoring me, so I need to be studying with her as much as possible." Sam noticed the glare that Jesse was now giving to Mercedes.

"I love to sing, I sing whenever I can!" Rachel piped in and for once in his life, Sam was happy she was there.

"Sing me a love song sugar lips." Puck smiled at the brunette woman. Sam stopped breathing and stared at Rachel in fear.

"No, no, I couldn't...I mean I shouldn't" Sam let out the breath he had been holding. He noticed Mercedes doing the same thing. "Well! Okay what do you want me to sing?"

"I'm bored, let's go play." Jesse interrupted her.

"Yea, that's a fucking good idea!" Sam stood up and Jesse stood up too and winked at the blonde. Sam reached over and pulled Mercedes to stand up too.

"Well let's head over shall we." The group paid for their drinks and walked outside.

"Can I ride Finn and Puck...I mean can I ride _with_ them." Rachel giggled at her mistake. Sam raised his eyebrows and smiled at her.

"Sure hun, you can ride with them. See you guys there," Mercedes and Sam turned to quickly walk to his family car when they heard the footsteps behind them. They turned to stare at Jesse.

"I thought we were splitting up evenly." Mercedes glanced at Sam's scared expression.

"Yea for sure Jesse." She tried to say cheerfully.

"Good! I call shotgun!" He danced to the car as Sam and Mercedes walked slowly behind him.

"Oh my God...he's going to try to touch me." Sam whispered to Mercedes. "I fucking get rid of one crazy and end up with one with a penis."

"He's not going to touch you Sam." Mercedes rubbed his arm to calm him down.

"Yea? Tell that to his thoughts." He shook his head and slowly slid in beside Jesse who had already hopped into the car.

"I want to say bye to the guys." Sam pulled on his seatbelt and Jesse leaned over Sam to put the window down. He rested his hand on Sam's thigh to brace himself. Sam's eyes grew wide as he stared at the laughing Mercedes in the rear view mirror. "See you guys soon." Jesse leaned back and buckled his seat belt. Sam cleared his throat and drove off.

When they got there, Rachel was blushing and giggling like there was no tomorrow. She was also adjusting her sweater. Mercedes looked at Sam who was staring hard at his girlfriend.

"Did she...?" she whispered to him. Sam stayed quiet for a moment as he focused on the group's thoughts and then shook his head no.

"We have to keep her away from Puck though...Finn's better for her. He's thinking less dirty thoughts. Puck just wants to light her menorah." Mercedes nodded and looked at the approaching group. "Let's sign up and do this thing."

"I like that you take control." Jesse said with a smirk. "It's very hot."

Sam face paled, "Um...okay. So Mercedes is the leader now." Mercedes looked shocked and then led the group into the building to get their guns and vests.

"Alright so we're playing teams, Finn and Rachel, Puck and I, and uh..." Sam pouted his big lips and looked like he was going to cry.

"Sam and I!" Jesse smiled and rubbed his shoulder against the emotional Sam.

"Mercy a moment please." Mercedes grimaced and followed Sam to a corner as the group spoke amongst themselves. "WHY? WHYYY! Tell me why I'm stuck with Jesse, why, why, would you do that me that way?" he started to cry and Mercedes wiped his tears, "Shit I'm supposed to be enraged, not sad. It's like the Trix commercial all over again."

"I need to keep Puck away from Rachel, remember. I tried to put you with him but he said and I quote, fuck that, I ain't playing with no penis." Sam wiped his eyes and tried to smile.

"It can't be that bad right?" Mercedes smiled up at him and wished she could kiss him.

"Nope it won't be that bad." She gave him a quick hug and they walked back over to the group. "Now who's ready for a super ass kicking ya'll!" the group cheered and entered the dark room. Mercedes ran hand in hand with Puck to a far corner. "Alright Hawk, what's the plan?"

"Let's make sweet love right here on the ground." He said grabbing her butt cheek. Mercedes grabbed under his armpit and twisted. "Ow okay okay. Let's run to the left I saw team Finchel run that way. We'll hide behind the rock over there and murder their singing asses." Team Puckcedes ran behind the rock and waited for the couple. They heard some quiet bickering and waited for a bit. They heard a high pitched scream and the sound of a slap.

"Ow my eye!" they heard the deep voice on the other side of the rock.

"Oh my God." Mercedes whispered and stood up. "Sam! I mean Chris! Something's happened to Rachel! I just heard her scream," Mercedes yelled out loud to the blonde she couldn't find. She hoped he was close enough to hear her.

"That was me!" Sam said stepping around the rock. Mercedes could barely see his face but from the sound of his voice he was super pissed.

"What the hell happened?" Mercedes walked closer to him to see the annoyance on his face.

"Yea dude...I've never heard a guy scream that high before...actually I've never heard a girl scream that high before." Puck had a hint of laughter in his voice. Just then Jesse emerged from behind the rock and hung his head in shame as he clutched his eye.

"This asshole tried to access my fucking dragon and he was denied! Sorry bro, but you don't have enough estrogen and too much penis to ride this magical creature." Sam said angrily to the brunette man. "Let's call this shit off, he needs to see a doctor, and I feel violated." Mercedes rubbed his back and called out for Rachel and Finn.

"Where the hell are they?" Mercedes said as the group walked through the game, trying to avoid being hit by people and their lasers. "This is ridiculous." Sam hushed her. "I know you did not just hush me."

"Mercedes I'm _listening _for them." Mercedes quickly shut up as Sam tried to hear their thoughts. "There's a lot going on, but I don't think they're in here." They returned their equipment as Sam glared at the embarrassed Jesse.

"Chris, I'm sorry." He said quietly. "I shouldn't have done that."

"Talk to the hand, leave a message, replay, don't care." Sam looked away and stepped beside Mercedes.

"Can someone take me to see a doctor please." Jesse spoke mostly to Puck.

"Yea, but if you try touching my Anaconda, it will fucking bite you." Puck said as Jesse followed him to his car.

"Sam, where could she have gone?" Mercedes looked up into Sam's face which reflected her own concern.

"Woah woah woah, lookie what we have here Nick Fury." Puck said turning to Jesse who was staring into Pucks car window. "You guys! We found Finchel!" Sam and Mercedes hurried over to see the two quickly trying to fix their clothes. Sam eyes widened and he shook his head.

"It fucking worked!" He whispered to Mercedes, "Good job sexy." Mercedes smiled up into his face.

Rachel quickly pushed her way out of the car. "I'm so sorry Chris...I don't know what happened. One minute we were singing together and then we we're kissing." She tugged on his shirt. "He's nothing to me! take me back forgive me." Sam pulled her aside.

"I'm a little upset, but Rachel be free, become Finchel! I forgive you." He smiled down at her.

"No, as God as my witness I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you!"

"No no please don't, just be free, be free! Be a vulture go fly away! Please I beg of you, I'm not worthy!"

"You are so worthy and I will use my every waking moment to show you that." She walked past him and sat in his back seat. Sam stared open mouthed at Mercedes who said good bye to the guys. Sam noticed that Finn looked sad as he watched Rachel get into Sam's car.

"What happened?" she said as she walked up to him. "Is it over?" Sam started to cry again. "Oh no baby what happened?"

"She's going to stay with me for the rest of my life...why couldn't I choose the body of a cat huh? They always have it good!" he cried into her shoulder. Mercedes rubbed his back. She sighed as she felt his body shake.

"Ugh...maybe it's not too late to send her to the crack house."

Edit: I'm surprised you guys like this but here you go


	7. Chapter 7

Sam sat at the dinner table with Chris' parents for dinner. His 'mother' kept looking over at him as she quietly ate her stew. Sam listened in for her thoughts, '_He looks like Chris...but he doesn't act like Chris. Chris wasn't always so gassy and peculiar. But I do think he was maybe gay. Rachel did often look like she was supposed to be a man, but then God got confused and slapped on a va jay jay'_ Sam looked up at her and she smiled and immediately looked down. He decided to tune into his 'dads' thoughts, _'Booty booty booty booty rockin everywhere'_. Sam turned to stare at the man who was eating his stew with a smirk on his face. _These nasty ass people thinking about va jay jay's and booties at the dinner table. Keep that shit to your rooms._

"So Christopher...how's school?" The woman asked him. Sam looked at her and listened, _'He's looking at me weird, oh my God, I wonder if he knows he's adopted'_. Sam blinked rapidly and tried not to laugh. _The hell?_ Sam cleared his throat.

"Um, good...I'm learning stuff." He pushed around the food on his plate. He turned to look at his dad who was still chewing silently. Sam listened to see if he was following the conversation, '_Lemme smang it girl, smash it and bang, lemme smang it girl, smash it and bang it. REMIX, I don't see nothing wrong, with a little bump and grind.'_ Sam screwed up his face and stared at the man. "How was your day, DAD?" The man slowly looked up at him and stopped chewing.

"It was absolutely wonderful son, I played golf with the CEO of the company, it was a grand ol time. Betty, you should come sometime." The man looked over at his wife. Sam listened, _'Lawd please don't let this heifer say okay, lawd please I beg of you keep her stank punany away from me._' Sam choked on his food and started laughing. His parents stared at him curiously.

"Sorry George, but I have other engagements." The woman smiled politely at her husband. Sam wondered what this plain woman could be busy with. _'I'm busy sleeping with your brother, my boss, the girl who brings me coffee, the gyno, his nurse, the shrub outside, and the janitor. Now to figure out who I got crabs from is the next thing.'_ Sam lost his appetite.

"Oh, what a pity," his father said. Sam watched as the man scratched his crotch and cringed.

"I'm not hungry anymore, but thanks for the food, mom." He stood up and took his plate and threw the remnants of his dinner in the garbage. He went to his room and firmly closed the door behind him. He sat down on his bed and stared at the wall. He wasn't sure why he felt so sad. It might have been his occasional mood swings, but he was also frustrated with the fact that he and Mercedes couldn't be together after all his time of waiting. Before he met Mercedes he had spent his time sitting at the train station watching the trains drive by. It was all he knew after he died. He had no recollection of the life he had lived before. He just remembered walking past people, trying to get their attention to be completely ignored. He couldn't recall people being so rude before. He continuously tried to get their attention when he suddenly looked at a window and saw no reflection.

"Oh my God..." he slowly grinned, "I'm a vampire." For a few years he went on believing that he was indeed a soul less being who needed to feast off of blood to survive. He often tried to bite people, but they would just shiver and pull their coats around themselves. He realised living the vampire life was a lot more difficult than he thought it would be, but he was never hungry or thirsty so he guessed he was his own special vampire. He wondered how he was transformed. Maybe it was a bat, or a diseased mosquito?

Sam chuckled as he thought about the day that he had learned he wasn't a vampire, but a ghost. He had seen a little girl drinking a packet of blood and wished to take it from her. He read the writing on the front of it. "Kool-aid...? Yes, this must mean blood in a foreign language." He advanced on her and tried to grab the drink when she screamed. He jumped back and stared at her. "Little child...can you see me?" he yelled. She quickly covered her ears.

"Yes! And WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?" she screamed back. Some of the children on the play ground stared at her and then went on their way.

"I don't know..." he gasped, "You must be another vampire." He looked over her brown skin and big bright brown eyes and the little puffs on her head. He nodded his head. "Yes come little one I am Sam I am, and I am a vampire. I shall teach you the vampire ways and in return you must share your...Kool...aid." he said slowly.

"You can't have my Kool aid it's mine! And I'm not sharing with you!" she stuck her little hand on her hip. "If you want one ask your mommy."

"You know mummies too?" He peered at her. "Who and what are you?"

"I'm not supposed to speak to strangers." She said slowly backing away. Sam didn't want to lose the only thing he had ever been able to speak to in many many years. He bit his lip as he thought hard about it. Candy, children like candy.

"I have some candy little one." He said with a grin. Well that did it. The little girl screamed bloody murder and ran towards her school.

"Danger, danger, danger!" She yelled and all of the kids ran with her. Sam stopped and stared at the commotion.

"I thought kids loved candy!" he exclaimed out loud as he watched the teachers approach the little girl. He decided to walk behind them and listen to what they were saying.

"Mercedes, what's wrong?" A long haired woman knelt beside the same little girl Sam had spoken to.

"That man offered me candy!" she said loudly and pointed at Sam, "and you said if an adult offers you candy when your mommy and daddy are not around to scream danger." She said very proudly.

"What man?" The woman slowly looked in Sam's direction. "There's no one there Mercedes." The little girl looked at her teacher like she was stupid. She stared directly at Sam and squinted her big eyes at him.

"But...he's right there! He's kind of see through, and he has a big head and green eyes." Everyone turned to look in Sam's direction again and he scowled.

"Excuse you puff head, I don't have a big head!" He crossed his arms over his chest. He wasn't sure why he was fighting with a child, but he was actually scared that being a vampire had made his head larger.

"DO too! Just like Casper!" she screamed at him.

"Do not!" he yelled back. "Casper was bald!"

"Do too and you have a funny face!" She yelled. Sam's eyes widened.

"I do not! And I don't want to share your blood pack anymore, you little gremlin." He huffed as he stared at her.

"Calling people names is not nice mister banana breath." She pouted and looked at her teacher who was very alarmed. Sam could hear the woman's thoughts and they weren't sounding very good for the little girl.

"Kids go play," Mercedes classmates ran off in different directions. The teacher spoke quietly to Mercedes. "There's no one there Mercedes, is he an imaginary friend?"

"He's not my friend, he's a meanie. Casper is nicer than him." The teacher gave her a small smile and rubbed her back.

"Mercedes, Casper's not real, ghosts aren't real." Sam paused for a moment. _Ghosts?...she said I was see through...vampires aren't see through._ He felt like a deflated balloon as he realised what he was. _I'm dead...Well shit, I better look as hot as Patrick Swayze did in Ghost or I want a refund._ "Do you want me to call your mommy and daddy?" The little girl nodded and Sam moved into her sightline where she stared at him. The teacher gave Mercedes a hug. "I'll be right back."

Sam knelt in front of her. "Mercedes...is that your name?" She started crying and looked to the side. "Mercedes, I'm sorry I was mean to you. But you're the only one who can see me." Sam awkwardly pat her head.

"Why?" she sniffed.

"Because you're super special and only special people can see me." She sniffed and wiped her eyes. "I promise I won't hurt you, but you can't talk about me to people because they're not special like you and they will get scared." She stared at him as she thought about it.

"Okay..." she said quietly.

"And you can't talk to me when people are around because they might hear all of our super special secrets." She giggled and nodded.

"This sounds fun!" she squealed with delight and Sam grinned. _From a vampire to a ghost babysitter...what next? A werewolf who's in love with a human but is really in love with her unborn baby? _ Sam laughed to himself and grinned at the small girl.

Sam laid back on his bed and groaned. He should be with Mercedes right now. After years of protecting her and then finally developing feelings for her once she had turned sixteen, he should be cuddling with her or at least fornicating. But thanks to the poisonous Berry, here he was alone in his bedroom. He tried to plot something to finally get rid of her, but he figured taking her on a hike in a forest, covering her in honey, and leaving her there for the bears to eat was too much. Why would he do that to nature, hadn't humans already done enough. He wasn't going to give up on his hopes of being with Mercedes, he was going to do his best to get rid of the Berry.

The next day at school Sam walked up to Mercedes, who was gathering books, at her locker. "I think my dad has crabs and my mom's been sleeping with plants. So I can see why Chris turned to Rachel, he was used to crazy." She stopped taking out her text books and stared at him. "Oh and I'm adopted."

"What kind of hello is that!" She started laughing thinking that he was joking and smiled at him. "How are you though...you cried for a really long time that night." He shrugged.

"I'm good. But we still need to get rid of Ratchet." Mercedes sighed and stared into her locker.

"Maybe, we should just let her have you. She's insane Sam, she'll never let you go." She looked at him sadly, "You can't beat crazy no matter how hard you try."

"Yes you can, I'll just find you a heavy shoe—" Mercedes put her hand up.

"Sam...it won't work." She shook her head. Sam was about to reply when he was shoved hard into the locker that he was standing beside and fell to the ground. He sat on the floor clutching his shoulder as he stared up at Finn, Puck, and Jesse.

"After school 3 o'clock. I'm going to beat your ass trout face for cock blocking me." Finn grinned down at the confused Sam.

"What? The fuck, I didn't do anything to your cock. And blocking it means I'd have touch it and I'm not going anywhere near your peen." Puck put his arm over Jesse's shoulders as he laughed at what Sam had just said. Jesse grinned at the mohawked boy. Sam listened for his thoughts, '_Oh my God, he put his arm around me, that's the signal for sex in the choir room on top of the piano'_ Sam raised his eyebrow and then looked back at Finn who was fuming.

"You stole my woman, so I'm going to beat you off so badly," he spat out. Now, Sam wasn't all caught up on teen lingo that much, but beat off didn't sound right to him. Mercedes helped pick up Sam and she gave Finn a disgusted look.

"I'm sorry...you want to beat off Chris?" she said loudly. Some people in the hallway turned to stare and laugh.

"Dude I'm going to beat you off so bad, you won't be able to walk for weeks. And then I'm going to beat you off whenever I see you. Trust me I beat off a lot of people and sometimes I put them in the hospital." Mercedes covered her mouth, but Sam could see her body shaking with laughter.

"So when do you want to beat him off?" She asked after a moment of taking in a few breaths. She couldn't believe that Finn was dumb enough to confuse 'off' and 'up', but hell if she was going to correct him.

"I'm going to beat him off after school where EVERYONE will see me beat off this dick." He poked Sam in the chest and Mercedes almost died laughing. "Why are you laughing, you're little friend here is going to get beat off in front of the entire school and you're okay with that! You're sick." Finn glared at Mercedes. Sam was still slightly confused.

"Why? What the hell did I do?"

"You took that hot babe away from me, so now I'm going to hurt you." Sam shook his head and started laughing.

"I don't want her! Take her, take all of her, keep her. Lock her up." As if on cue Rachel bounded down the hallway towards the group.

"Chris, what's going on?" She said as she approached them.

"Finn wants to date you and I'm letting him," Sam said matter of factly. Rachel looked at him in shock.

"You want me to date the both of you?" she exclaimed in surprise. "Well I guess I can, it'd surely be a scandal which could put me in the papers when I'm famous someday. But all publicity is good publicity so okay!" She squealed happily.

"No, just date Finn and sing to him. No more Ropher, just become Finchel and spread your love around the world like a disease. Heck, start a show and call it Glee and pretend to have other characters. I don't know, do whatever you have to do, just...go." Sam let out a long breath.

Finn started to look panicked. "Wait, why are you just giving her to me? What's wrong with her? I don't think I want her anymore dude."

"No backsies!" Sam yelled, "She's all yours now." Mercedes looked at the sad Rachel and felt bad for her.

"You guys, Rachel may not be very talented, or really attractive, and she may have some really weird fashion choices. But she's determined and that determination will get her everything she ever wants." She blinked, "I'm not sure where I was going with that."

Sam pulled Finn aside, so that the group didn't hear them. "Listen, I have this great train idea...do you have any plans for after graduation?"

"I might want to join the army..." Finn scratched the back of his head and Sam grinned.

"Perfect, I can work that into the train idea, so if you ever need to get away from her...I'll tell you the plan. It involves a train, new York, some painful face singing, and you going to the army bud." He clapped Finn on the shoulder.

Finn perked up at the notion of an escape. "Okay cool." He turned back around and took Rachel's hand. "Alright Rachel, now you're dating the big man on campus. And thanks to you, I don't have to beat off any dicks now." Rachel's eyes grew wide with horror as she walked hand in hand with Finn down the hall. Mercedes turned to Sam in disbelief.

"Did we just...?" She smiled.

"We got rid of the Berry!" Sam grinned, pulled Mercedes into his arms, and kissed her senselessly. He pulled away and stared into her doe eyes. "So, to celebrate we should—"

Mercedes cut him off before he could finish. "Have sex?" She laughed. "Sounds like a plan, and we can get to see what your new penis can do!" Sam turned bright red from embarrassment. For a moment he thought his face was on fire and he almost panicked. "You're cute when you blush." She leaned up and kissed him and Sam let out a sigh of relief.

"Well I was going to say we should go to dinner, but SEX IS SO MUCH BETTER!" He practically yelled. Mercedes pinched him. "Ow!"

"Fool what did I say about yelling that kind of stuff out loud. Oh my God." She shook her head at him and began to walk away. Sam stared at her back and wondered if he should follow her. She stopped walking and turned to smile at him, "Aren't you coming? I mean, I know you will be tonight." She winked at him and Sam literally ran to walk with her.

They made a plan for Sam to sneak into her house after her parents were asleep. So Sam waited on her front step after he received her text for him to come over. She slowly opened the door and gave him a quick kiss.

"Hi," she whispered. Sam looked her up and down and noticed that she was just wearing a very thin material robe. He could see the outline of her body and he thanked god he wasn't wearing his leather pants at the moment.

"Hey" he whispered back as she closed the door behind him. She gave him a hug and he followed her up the stairs. He tried to stay a few steps behind her so that he could peek under her robe. She stopped walking to look back at him.

"Sam!" she hissed, "you stop that this instant." Sam smirked and caught up with her. They reached the landing and kissed.

"_No No! NOT THE LEATHER PANTS NOT AGAIN! KEEP YOUR DRAWERS ON!"_ Sam stopped kissing her and slowly turned his head towards her parent's room. _"WHY ARE YOUR LIPS SO GOT DAMN BIG? THAT AIN'T RIGHT SON. THAT. AIN'T. RIGHT!"_ Sam just stared at the bedroom door.

"What?" Mercedes asked him after he broke the kiss. Sam slowly shook his head.

"Nothing at all, has your dad been having nightmares?"

Mercedes nodded, "Yea he has...he won't say about what though. Can you hear him?" Sam shrugged as he heard the man silently crying. '_Why were his pants so tight?'_

"Just a few things here and there." He smiled at her, "Are my lips big?" Mercedes gave him a strange look.

"Not as big as they were when you were dead, but yea they are pretty plump." Sam nodded. "Let's stop talking and have some fun." She pulled him into her bedroom and slowly closed the door behind them. She turned to him and kissed him hard on the mouth as he grabbed her ass.

"Mmm, they're like fluffy marshmallows and I want to play chubby bunny with them all night long." Mercedes giggled and deepened the kiss before she pushed him on the bed.

"Lie down Sam." He quickly moved back towards her pillows and laid down on the comfy bed. "Take off your pants." He quickly scrambled out of his pants and superman briefs. Mercedes eyes grew wide. The man wasn't lying when he said he was big. "Mmm, I'm going to suck you off." She said in a lower voice. Sam stared at her as her head lowered and she took his length into her mouth.

"Yea...yea mmm suck it baby, yea suck it like a straw, fuck yea, drink up that milkshake...mmm it's banana because I ate some before I came here." Mercedes stopped and stared at him.

"Sam? What the hell are you saying?" she whispered. Sam shrugged.

"Just trying to put you in the mood I guess."

"That's not helping, say dirty things." Sam nodded and she went back to sucking him off.

"Yea baby, lick my dick like a lollipop, mmm a dirty lollipop that fell on the dirty ground you dirty girl, yea baby it was on the ground longer than three seconds so you know it's not safe now. Yeaa slurp it up, like a freezie, but be careful because that plastic wrapper cuts your mouth up real bad." Mercedes stopped sucking him and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Okay I'm out of the mood, you're going to have to fix it because that shit you just said didn't work." Sam sat up and kissed her. He gently sucked on her tongue and she moaned. He kissed up her jaw until he got to her ear.

"You like that?" he whispered by her ear.

"Mmm, yes keep whispering to me, it's sexy." She started to take off her robe. Sam nibbled on her ear lobe.

"Hey how you doin lil mama? lemme whisper in your ear  
Tell you sumthing that you might like to hear  
You got a sexy ass body and your ass look soft  
Mind if I touch it? and see if its soft  
Naw I'm jus playin' unless you say I can  
And im known to be a real nasty man  
And they say a closed mouth dont get fed  
So I don't mind asking for head  
You heard what I said, we need to make our way to the bed  
And you can start usin' yo head  
You like to fuck, have your legs open all in da butt"

Mercedes pulled away from Sam and glared at him. "How the hell do you know the whisper song? And why do you know it?"

Sam grinned, "I saw it on TV, and you said to whisper, so I thought that's what you wanted."

"Sam...I don't even..." She started to laugh, "Why are you so insane." She kissed him.

"Can I...you know eat you down there?" He slid his hand up her thigh and touched her heated place. "Wow it's like a heater down there. I know where to go in winter!" He grinned at her and she playfully smacked him.

"Sure...okay." He smiled like a kid at a candy shop.

"Okay lie down and keep your knees up." She did as she was told and waited in anticipation. He positioned himself between her legs and began to lick. "Damn girl you taste so good, mmm it's like a never ending gobstopper, mmm I'm tasting everything." He continued to suck and lick her, "Mmm girl were you eating fruits? Keep that up, I like that shit." He stuck his tongue in and Mercedes arched her back at the sensation. "Damn girl you smell so good, it's like subway and I'm eating fresh." Mercedes couldn't control it, despite the good sensation she couldn't help but laugh at the man between her legs. Sam stopped and stared at her in confusion. "What?"

"Sam...I love you, but hun your dirty talk." She burst out into laughter again. Sam looked a little discouraged so she stopped laughing.

"I'm a ghost virgin Mercedes...I don't know what I'm doing." She kissed him and tasted herself on his lips.

"That's okay, let me ride you baby." His eyes grew wide with excitement. Mercedes pulled out a condom from under her mattress and slipped it on the man. She wasn't a virgin, because she had dated Puck before and they had decided to fool around a lot, so getting Sam's length in wasn't a problem. She sat on him for a bit before she slowly started to move up and down.

"Woah, your vagina's like Mary Poppin's bag, it just went right in there and disappeared!" Sam exclaimed in admiration and Mercedes tried to ignore him as she rode him. He groaned with pleasure and licked his lips.

She grunted as she rode him, "Do you like that baby? Do you like when I ride you?"

Sam nodded. "Yes, ride me like a horse baby, call me Mr. Ed!" She stared at him.

"What?"

"Call me Mr. Ed baby, call me black beauty! Ride me, ride me!" He exclaimed in his throes of passion. He started to make click clop sounds as she moved on him faster. She refrained from asking him anymore things as she felt her climax build up. She was so close to coming when Sam began to neigh. At first she tried to ignore him, but it became too much after he began to whinny. She clamped her hand over his mouth and rode the waves of her passion. She felt Sam's body jerk beneath her and she waited for his breathing to calm down before she moved her hand. She got off of him and laid down beside him as he stared at her.

"You are banned from fucking talking during sex after this. I thought I was sleeping with a horse Sam!" Sam cracked up and kissed her.

"Okay, I'm sorry. I just got too into it I guess." He quietly laughed.

"Not funny, that shit creeped me out," But she laughed right along with him. He pulled her into his side and gently kissed her.

"I love you Mercedes Jones." She smiled up at him.

"I love you too Sam...Chris...Chrisam." He laughed and kissed the tip of her nose. Sam was happy. After years of feeling lost and confused, he finally felt like things made sense as he laid in bed with his Mercy.

'_Not them batman briefs again! Lord have Mercy on my eyes'_

A/N: Hey guys, I hope you enjoyed the story because I enjoyed writing it. I hope you liked all the shade and the insanity and I really hope at some point I made you laugh. Thanks for reading! I luh you, Thanks to Dreac3 for reading it over for me. This is the end of Sam's crazy journey, and just looking at some of the reviews I'm happy it made ya'll laugh. Hopefully it went out with a smang ;)


	8. Chapter 8

Sam sat in Mercedes dorm room and stared at the weird looking blonde girl who was sitting across from him on the other couch. She stared back at him with pursed lips and a disgusted expression on her face as she tugged on the hem of her black turtle neck sweater and smoothed down her plaid skirt. _Why is she staring at me like her va jay jay stinks?..._ Sam scrunched his face up as he thought to himself, _I know you'd like to thank your **** don't stank, but lean a little bit closer see that roses really smell like poo-poo-oo, yeah, roses really smell like poo-poo-oo_. He quietly laughed to himself before shaking his head. _Whatever happened to Outkast?_

"Something funny?" The blonde woman narrowed her eyes at him as she watched him closely. Sam tried to remember her name, but hadn't retained it when Mercedes had told him because he simply didn't care. He leaned back into the cushions and shook his head and bit his tongue, Mercedes had to live with the woman for another four months and he didn't want to cause any problems for her. Being in New York was causing him anxiety and he wasn't exactly sure why. "Really because it looks like your trout face was laughing at me." She glared at him and Sam stared back at her. _Oh hell nah this bald looking ratchedy annie doll did not just call me trout face. I would never hit a woman, but I wonder if there's an exception for one who looks like a man._ He cleared his throat and thought out his words carefully.

"Excuse me? I was just singing to myself and the song was funny, nothing to do with you Annie." He wasn't sure if that was her name and he could honestly care less.

"My name's Kitty, get it straight." Sam patted himself down and reached into his pockets as she continued to speak. "I never gave Moesha permission to let you come here and...what the hell are you looking for?!" Sam paused and looked at her.

"Oh, I'm just looking to see if I have any fucks to give. Surprisingly, I have none." He leaned forward as her face grew sourer. "Her name is Mercedes fucking sexy Jones, and when she's famous someday I guarantee you that I will eat ten burritos, come back here, find you, and shit on your lawn." The woman jumped up and folded her arms across her chest as Sam sat smugly on the couch.

"My boyfriend won't stand for this, just you wait." Sam's eyes widened and she grinned. "Scared now bitch?" She laughed. Sam slowly shook his head and let his eyes roam over her body.

He grinned right back at her, "No, just surprised that someone wanted your crusty ass, smelling like tuna left out in the Sahara desert for thirty days and thirty nights, drawers." Just then Mercedes walked out of her room as she fixed her earrings and stared at her roommate and boyfriend.

"Chris...what's going on out here?" She moved towards him and he stood up to greet her and kissed her soft plump lips. _Sam you better not be stirring shit up out here._ He smiled mischievously at her and wiggled his eyebrows as his hand slipped around her waist.

"You're boyfriend is saying some horrible things about me and I'm going to see to it that my boyfriend teaches his big ass a lesson." She scowled at Mercedes and the short full figured woman looked at Sam, he could tell that she was trying her best to hide a smile. _Sam I love you baby._ She raised her eyebrows and looked at her boyfriend.

"Is that true Chris?" She tapped her foot but he could see the amusement playing on her face. He shrugged and nodded. "I think you owe Kitty an apology babe." Sam sighed and took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry that your ass resembles a piece of cardboard, but that's not my doing...that's your parent's fault." Mercedes smacked Sam's arm as they heard a knock on the door. Kitty grinned and moved to open it. When her back was turned Mercedes and Sam shared a quick giggle before she turned to look at them.

"I'm sorry that my boyfriend will fuck you up, oh wait...I'm not sorry at all." Sam rolled his eyes as she opened the door and in skipped a man who was very lean and well dressed. He looked at the woman in front of him and grimaced. "Hey baby." She said brightly with a smile. Sam tuned into the man's thoughts and listened. _Her dad produces Wicked, her dad produces Wicked..._was the only thing going through the man's head as Sam raised an eyebrow. "Baby pie, this asshole was calling me names, do something about it...NOW." She turned her face to grin triumphantly as the man behind her rolled his eyes. He walked over to Sam and Mercedes, and Sam instinctively stepped in front of his girlfriend. The man's back faced Kitty and he smiled warmly at the couple in front of him.

"Well that's very rude." He rolled his eyes and grinned. _About time someone put this wombat in her damn place._ "But we're all adults so let's all move past that and no more name calling," He extended his hand for a hand shake. "I'm Kurt Hummel, pleased to meet you." _Oh he gay, _Sam thought to himself as he extended his hand to shake Kurt's.

"I'm Sa—Chris," He finished off quickly and coughed loudly to cover up his almost mistake of saying his real name. Mercedes squeezed Sam's hand warmly before she moved to pull Kurt into a warm embrace.

"Hey love, how are you tonight?" She asked kindly and Sam could see that the two had already established some form of a bond and he surprisingly didn't feel threatened by it at all.

"Oh you, know, I'm neither here nor there!" Kurt giggled as he smiled widely at Sam. "Nice meeting you Chris, Mercedes has spoken about you before and I can tell you that you're a very lucky man for having her." _Unf, if I could just lick his abs, I'd die a happy man...Kurt don't think like that! Keep your cool._ Sam raised an eyebrow and slightly pulled Mercedes closer to him.

"Oh you don't have to tell me twice, I love her to death...and back I guess." Kurt gave him a confused look before Kitty walked up to him and took his hand.

"You're lucky that Kurt's such a gentleman because if he wanted to kick your ass he would have by now." She smiled sweetly at the taller man who looked like he'd rather be anywhere else in the world other than beside her. _Kicked his ass, groped it, bit it..._Sam watched Kurt bite his lip as his eyes roamed over Sam's body, kitty glared at Sam. "Stop staring at him!" She yelled at the blonde and pulled her boyfriend away.

Sam and Mercedes stood there silently as they watched Kitty and Kurt walk towards the balcony. "Can we just push her the hell off?" Sam asked his girlfriend and laughed before leaning in for a kiss. "And that dude is gay, like...gay gay, not like 'I can appreciate a sexy man gay, but I will tap Ryan Gosling like a keg' gay." Mercedes burst into laughter as she looked towards the balcony, the other couple had come back into the apartment and were slightly arguing about something.

"You think that he knows he's gay though?" She asked him quietly as Sam pretended to fix her necklace for her so that they could whisper. He kissed her neck and nodded. They both looked over to see Kitty trying to kiss Kurt on the lips, only for him to turn his face away and have her kiss his cheek.

"Remember Kitty, germs...we don't want to get you sick before your last exam." Kurt had said with a slight laugh. _And your breath smells like a dirty foot that someone rubbed in an armpit that hasn't seen water for years. Screw B.O, you should GO._

"Yep, I am about a million percent sure he knows. If you could hear his thoughts...oh my God. He's trying to get something from her dad." Sam said quietly to her as he tried to stifle his laughter. Mercedes frowned and moved towards her bedroom. Sam followed behind her and left the door open once they were inside. "What's wrong?"

Mercedes shook her head as she grabbed her black coat. "I don't know...maybe we should tell her. I mean I don't think she knows and I feel bad Sam." He walked up to her and cupped her face with his large hands before rubbing their noses together. He loved the shorter woman more than anything and was thankful that he was able to be with her even though she had moved far away from home for school. Sam was trying to figure out a plan to move out there to be closer to her.

"Well...you could tell her and then she'll be devastated and she probably has no friends because she's a bitch and then she'll come to you with snot running down her nose and the crust in her eye will stream down her face as she bawls her eyes out and she'll want to hug you and rub her face on your clothes..." He finished speaking as he noticed Mercedes looked nauseous.

"You know what...I'm going to leave it to Jesus, I think that's the best plan of action we have. I'll pray for her, that's how I'll contribute." She nodded her head seriously and Sam tried not to laugh. "Why did I agree to go out on this double date tonight?" She pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head. "It's like going out with Ratchet Berry 2.0" Sam shrugged.

"Well I'd say YOLO, but we _both_ know that is a load of crap. I'm on my second life and doing somewhat okay!" He laughed and helped her pull her coat on before they headed out to the living room where Kurt and Kitty were waiting.

"Could you guys have taken any freaking longer, we have dinner reservations." Kitty scowled, pulled the door open forcefully, and huffed into the apartment building hallway.

Sam glared at the space the blonde woman had occupied and tried to control his anger. "Mercy keep me away from her or I'm going to push her cardboard, smelling like fish ass into traffic, or tie her up and leave her in Compton. I'm not fucking kidding." Mercedes pat his hand and Kurt turned to look at Sam.

"Thank God, you smelled it too? And if you need help I have some rope in my car." _Mmm, Blaine was so much fun last night, we better play Brokeback Mountain when I see him again._ Kurt lost himself in thought as he followed after his girlfriend. Sam shook his head and followed Mercedes to the door.

"That is one freaky little well dressed man." He finally said when the other couple was out of earshot. They managed to survive the dinner without any mishap before walking down the busy streets of New York. Sam was feeling very weird as he looked around and started having oddly placed flashbacks. He stopped walking and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands. Everything around him started melting into a different scene where he was standing in the very same place, but the people looked different and were wearing very dated clothing. Sam felt something tug on his hand and immediately yanked it away before realising that Mercedes was the one touching him. She looked frightened and worried as she stared at him and Kitty and Kurt looked confused.

"Is he high?" She rolled her eyes and Mercedes moved Sam against a building so that he wouldn't have people walking into him.

"Sam...are you okay baby?" She rubbed his face and peered into his eyes as he tried to take in gulps of air. Sam reached out and held her hand against his cheek as he slowly nodded. "What's wrong?" He didn't know what was wrong and he didn't know how to exactly explain it. His eyes roamed around the street again only for it to change back to what he had been seeing before. Women wearing brightly coloured outfits with afros and long hair passed by them and men with long mustaches and headbands sauntered by as well. "SAM!" Sam shook out of his thoughts and stared at the woman in front of him.

"Mercedes...I think...I think I'm remembering my past." He whispered as he looked into her eyes. "People had some big ass hair and looked unclean, I don't know..." He could hear Kitty tapping her high heeled shoe on the pavement.

"Listen Moesha, can you get him the hell up, it's cold." She whined behind them. Sam watched as Mercedes slowly turned around and walked right into Kitty's personal space causing the blonde girl to take a step back.

"Listen here and listen well you bobble headed twig of stank, my boyfriend is not feeling well and before I rip you apart like a damn cheese string, I would advise you to get out of our faces and go home." If Sam had been feeling better, he would have given her a huge high five. "Do I make myself clear? Oh and another thing, if you call me Moesha one more damn TIME..." She put her finger up into the air and placed it in Kitty's face. "I will call my hairdresser, get some microbraids, and strangle you with em." Kitty turned away and began walking. When she noticed Kurt wasn't behind her she paused.

"Kurt!?" She yelled at him and the lean man just shook his head.

"I'm good, night sweetheart. Au revioir, ciao, bye!" He blew her a kiss and she flipped him the bird before grabbing a taxi. They watched her hop in before Mercedes moved back towards Sam and hugged him to her tightly.

"Would you really get microbraids?" Sam asked her with a laugh. Mercedes pulled back to shake her head. "That'd be kind of hot."

"Uh uh, ain't nobody got time for that." She smiled back at him and touched his cheek. "What's going on? What do you see?" Sam explained what his mind was flashing back to and she slowly nodded. "You're describing the seventies or something...that's what it sounds like." He could see the worry etched all over her face. Kurt moved closer to them to understand what was happening.

"So...did you want to go sit down somewhere or..?" He looked between Sam and Mercedes when Sam quickly shook his head.

"No...I know where we need to go." He grabbed Mercedes hand and walked quickly down the sidewalk, Kurt ran behind them not wanting to be left alone. Mercedes was nervous about what was happening and Sam wasn't saying anything, just walking very fast. Before she knew it, they had stopped at a club of some sort.

"Uh Sam why are we here...?" She looked around and he dragged her inside without answering. An old balding Asian man stopped them at the door and looked them over.

"I.D." He stated and folded his arms over his chest. Kurt hid behind Sam and Mercedes squeezed Sam's hand a little bit tighter.

"Mike?" Sam said as he cocked his head slightly to the side. "Mike Bang Bang Chang?" The older man frowned and looked around in confusion.

"Yea, and who are you youngin?" Sam laughed and shook his head as he looked around the male strippers club.

"I'm a friend of a friend of someone you knew a long time ago." He said calmly but deep down he was nervous. "I uh, did you know a guy named Evans, Sam Evans?" Mike's eyebrows rose up and a sad expression entered his eyes.

"Funny enough you kind of look like him..." He said slowly as he studied Chris' face. Sam knew he had done a good job when he chose his body. "Yea, I knew Sam...that man was my best friend. I, uh, follow me. But don't tell anyone I let you guys in." He walked deeper into the strip club and Sam tried to block out Kurt's thoughts. _Oh my god, that is a huge thing! How does he walk around with that? I bet he uses a wheelbarrow, Well damn how does he make it jump like that?! _Sam shuddered as the memories flooded back. They entered an office in the back and Mike pointed to one of the two chairs in the room. Sam let Mercedes sit down as the older man rummaged through his desk and pulled out a picture of an attractive blonde man with green eyes. Sam's breath caught in his throat as he realised that he was looking at a picture of himself. He was wearing gold shorts and nothing else, except for body glitter. "Big Ben "The cock tower" was a funny guy, full of life...until a customer accidentally killed him." Sam heard Mercedes gasp and placed his hand on her shoulder. She took the picture of him and stared at the image of the ghost she had seen for as long as she could remember.

"What do you mean accidentally killed him?" Sam said in confusion. Mike rubbed his face and sat down on the corner of his desk.

"It happened really fast...

_Big Ben "The cock tower" stood nervously behind the curtain and adjusted his golden shorts under the brown leather chaps he sported. He always got nervous before a big show and from what he had heard there were going to be a whole lot of women tonight. A beautiful dark skinned young woman with thick curly looked over at him from the dressing rooms and winked. "Don't sweat the small stuff Sam, you got this my brother." She smiled a beautiful white smile with a small gap between her two front teeth that Sam absolutely loved. He nodded at her and immediately felt calm. He grabbed his cowboy hat, tipped it at her and waited for his name to be announced over the loud speaker. He promised himself that after tonight he was going to finally ask that beautiful woman out on a date._

_"Introducing BIG BEN THE COCK TOWERRRRR" Mike yelled out for him before he sauntered on stage and wiggled his hips back and forth to and fro. He tipped his hat up as the women in the crowd screamed and cheered for him. _

_"Did someone ask for a cowboy?" He said in his deep southern drawl._

_"Why do you have a British name if you're a cowboy?!" One woman yelled out over the music. Sam tried to ignore the question and continued to walk around the stage before he picked up his prop rope. _

_"Ya'll are some sexy beasts tonight, maybe I should lasso you up and eat ya for dinner." He winked and heard the women scream with pleasure as they threw bills on to the stage._

_"Big Ben my ass, he looks more like a Kentucky fried stripper." The same voice bellowed out and Sam shielded his eyes to see the extremely tall blonde woman standing at the back with a martini in her hand. Sam pointed at her and beckoned for her to come up. She looked around her in shock before finally moving towards the stage._

_"You are one foxy lady, come here and join me my Amazon goddess." He reached out his hand to her and pulled her up on the stage. As she came up, she spilled some of her drink on the smooth surface. Damn, she is one tall groovy chick. He thought silently to himself, he had only wanted to bring her up there so that she would stop heckling him._

_"Call me Sue!" She said drunkenly with a wink. "Lemme, tie you up little man." She grinned before putting her glass down on the stage and grabbed the rope. Sam shrugged and let her take the prop and stood to one side of the stage. She threw it in the air making the lasso grow wider before throwing it towards Sam but falling short. He moved towards her to take the prop and she put her hand out. "Be cool man!" She laughed drunkenly. Sam looked over at Mike who shrugged. Sam decided that he was going to let her try one more time before booting her off the stage. He watched as she threw the rope over him, causing him to jump in surprise on the puddle of liquor she had spilled, his bare feet lost their grip and Sam Evans fell backwards off the high stage. He slowly got back up and gripped the side of the stage to stand as he cracked his back. "Bam cowboy! Now that was impressive." Sam glared at her. He was about to say something crude, when the blonde woman ran off the stage towards Sam. "Catch me cowboy!" She yelled in delight before launching herself off the stage into Sam's arms. The impact flung him backwards and he knocked his head against a nearby table._

Sam woke up with a jolt and looked up into the face of a panicked looking Mercedes. His back was hurting as he struggled to sit up. "What happened?" He asked slowly as a crowd of people gathered around them.

"You walked out here like you were in a trance, tried pole dancing, and fell off the damn pole. You almost scared me half to death!" She pulled him to his feet with Kurt's assistance. "Are you okay?" Her eyes roamed over his face and Sam nodded in embarrassment.

"Who's touching my ass?" Sam looked over at Kurt who quickly removed his hand from Sam's backside.

"I was just trying to...make sure you didn't fall backwards." He laughed awkwardly and moved close to a male stripper named The North Pole who was wearing a Santa Clause hat and red shorts. "Oh no, I feel faint from the fright Sam gave us." He clutched at the strippers strong arms and felt them up with a grin. Mercedes rolled her eyes and brought Sam over to a nearby table.

"He's okay," She told the crowd and they went back to their regular activity. She rubbed the back of his hand as she studied his face. "What's going on in that mind of yours?"

"Mercedes...I'm going to stay in New York and become a stripper. It's my calling." Mercedes stared at him for a moment before breaking out into a loud laugh. "What? I was a stripper in my past, I can do it again."

"Sam you also DIED in the damn past. Your stripping days literally ended." Sam shook his head and pointed to the stripper pole.

"Didn't you just see me up there? Wasn't I great?" He stared at her in disbelief.

"Sam, you literally climbed on the stage like you were drunk, sang the chorus from Tina Turner's private dancer, swung around the pole two times, and flew the hell off singing I believe I can fly. Now that is not what I'd call greatness, I'd call that embarrassing." She stood up and cracked her neck. "Let's go home."

"You just don't want to share my gift with the world." Sam smirked as he slowly stood up. "Is my baby jealous?"

"Just because I tell you to wrap it up doesn't make it a gift, it could be a damn sandwich for all we know." She headed towards the exit and called for Kurt to come. He looked over at her and waved for her to go on without him. Sam wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed the back of her neck.

"I want to be here with you, I could make good money, and I'm hung like a jump rope Mercy." Mercedes shook her head as she neared the door.

"I didn't let anyone touch my jump ropes back then and I won't let them now. I'm the only one who's allowed to play with you and if you ask me one more damn time, I'm going to beat you with it." Sam laughed and huffed as they exited the club. He was going to be devastated when he would have to leave her again after the Christmas break, but he would find his way back to her, he always did.

A/N: just full of pure stupidity, but I needed an outlet, not sure if you folks enjoyed, but I always love to see what you think! Thanks for reading!


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: This chapter should have been buried with Sam, read at your own risk. I'm not even kidding.

Sam sat on Mercedes' bed as he scanned through the wanted advertisements in the morning newspaper. His time in New York was drawing to a close, but he still wanted to find some form of employment so that he wouldn't be forced to leave. He was disappointed that Mercedes wouldn't let him become the stripper he was destined to be, but knew that she would never agree to it even if he fought her on it. Sighing he scanned through the ads and repositioned himself on the bed so that he was lying on his stomach. After a few moments, Mercedes walked in with a shower cap positioned securely on her head and only a towel wrapped around her curvy body. Sam's jaw dropped as he watched her pull the towel off and she placed it on the hook behind her door. _Damnnnnnnnnnnnn, if you're horny, let's do it, RIDE IT, my pony, my saddle's waiting, come and jump on it. _She turned to look at him with a wink before she reached for her lotion and sat at the end of her bed. Sam immediately rolled off the bed and grabbed her Ipod from the night stand beside him. He knew Mercedes was watching him carefully as he selected the song and increased the volume on the speaker. Marvin Gaye's _Let's get it on _blasted through the speakers.

"Damn Mercy..." He was stunned as she stood up to grab some underwear from her drawer. "Good gracious ass is bodacious." The shorter woman rolled her eyes, but he could see that she was smiling. He moved up behind her and kissed the soft skin of her neck as she sprayed perfume of over her body. His hands slid down her sides and ended up groping her behind with his large hands, "I just want to hide all my treasures all up in your trunk, then it'd be a really booty!" Mercedes smacked his arm and turned around to face him. He grinned and kissed her deeply, letting his hands roam over her smooth bare back. She sighed into the kiss before pulling back and placed her hands on his muscular chest. _Mmm, I could just eat him up._ He could hear her thoughts and walked her over to the bed. He helped her sit down on the edge of it before moving between her legs and propping them over his shoulders. "Girl Imma name your pussy Maxwell's House Coffee," He said in a low seductive moan before he took a sniff, "Cause it smells fresh, fresh, exciting! Do do do do do, it's so exciting to me!" Mercedes laughed loudly before she felt his hot tongue pressed against her. Her laughter immediately switched to a deep moan as she arched her back against the sensations. "Girl your name should be skittles, cuz I'm tasting the damn rainbow up in here!" He said excitedly as he continued to teasingly flick his tongue. She could hear him humming a tune between her legs as he enjoyed her, and she couldn't help but recognize it.

"Sam...wait, Sam...what the hell are you humming?" She pulled his head back to look at her and he licked his wet pink lips as a blush crept up his neck.

"Uh, don't stop, never give up, hold your head high and reach the top...it's what I hum to myself when my jaw gets a little tired." Mercedes stared down at him in disbelief. "What?! you're lucky I wasn't singing _Country Grammar_." He shrugged and Mercedes expression didn't change. "You know...I'm going down down baby..." She put her hand over his mouth and shook her head.

"I'm taking you to a damn sexual education class when I have the time." She laughed and moved off of the bed. "Your idea of sexy is still a little off." _Jeese Mercy, least I'm not making click clopping noises anymore, give me some credit._ She kissed his cheek and then moved to go to the bathroom to freshen up again. Sam sighed and grabbed the newspaper in frustration. He wanted to pleasure her normally, but he couldn't stop those damn songs from popping into his head. Surprisingly, he learned that Chris could actually sing well. His eyes caught a small insignificant ad, which was hidden in the corner where it would seem that no one cared enough about it to even make it in bigger font for readers to see. He could only make out the word addition or audition, he wasn't too sure. Sam moved over to Mercedes desk and found a magnifying glass in her drawer, he pulled it out and placed it above the ad. His face scrunched up and he looked up from the paper. _Dafuq is Glee?_

* * *

Sam and Mercedes stood in front of a broken down looking building in the middle of New York with a homeless man peeing on the corner. Mercedes held Sam's hand tightly and moved closer to him as he stared at the map quest directions he had printed out. "This reminds me of an episode of Criminal Minds I saw once, where this couple went into this beaten up looking building to buy some dope or something from this other couple who looked all innocent and shit, like proper...but too proper. Next thing you know the proper couple killed em with a spork." He looked over at Mercedes and shook his head. "Can you imagine how crazy someone would have to be to kill you with a mother fuckin spork Mercedes." His eyes widened and he looked up at the building again. "Like a fork can mess a person up, but a plastic spoon and fork hybrid...now that shit cray." Mercedes pinched his arm hard causing him to yelp.

"Don't tell me crap like that before we go in. God, I'm scared as it is, you know black people always die first in horror films and stuff." Sam sighed and she looked at him from the corner of her eye.

"I know what you mean. I'm scared too since you know, I'm part black and all." He ran a hand through his blonde hair and then burst into a big smile before pointing at his crotch. "This part." Mercedes kissed her teeth and rolled her eyes. The homeless man who had been peeing began laughing and then started to cough as if he were hacking up a lung. The shorter woman squeezed Sam's hand even more tightly. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kissed the side of her head. "See," he nodded his head towards the homeless man. "He thought it was funny."

"I like sporks." The homeless man stated proudly and smiled showing off his four teeth in total. Sam moved from Mercedes and handed the man five dollars. "Thanks man." He smiled wider and walked away with a skip in his step. Mercedes shook her head and smiled before placing a quick kiss on her boyfriend's lips.

"That was nice of you. But listen, if I die, I'm haunting your ass and I'm going to crawl all over your walls and mirrors like the damn _Grudge_, don't think I'm playing with you Sam." The taller blonde man leaned over to kiss her deeply. Smiling against her lips and trying not to laugh.

"You forget that I was a ghost once. Things don't work like that babe." He laughed, "The most excitement you get is people breaking wind around you because they don't know you're there." Sam shrugged and licked his lips, "We'll be okay, I mean..." he laughed, "The show is called Glee, which means happiness and stuff so how bad could it be?" Mercedes had a bad feeling about the entire thing, it all sounded too good to be true and she had only come as moral support for Sam. She nodded and he kissed her plump cheek. "I got you, you don't have to worry. I've gone from death and back to be with you, I'm not planning on losing you to some crap show called Glee." He narrowed his eyes for a moment. "I researched it before I came here and nobody looked gleeful on any of those damn episodes now that I think about it."

"Well we're here, let's just go in." She pulled him into the almost deserted building and walked up two flights of dusty stairs. They came to a landing where a bunch of young teenagers were singing their hearts out as they practiced for the show. Sam had to admit that some of them were actually really good. "So far so good." She said cheerfully as she tried to be optimistic for Sam who didn't look like he cared that much at all at being there. He nodded as he stared at something or someone in a corner. She stood on her tip toes to see above the heads of the people practicing and saw the back of a woman with long brown hair and a plaid skirt. "Sam...what's wrong." His face had gone pale as he looked down at her.

"I could recognize that screeching from anywhere." He said slowly as if he were in shock. Before Mercedes could even reply to what Sam had said, she heard a loud voice from the corner of the room.

"CHRIS! CHRIS IS THAT YOU?! CHRISSY OH MY GOD!" Ratchet Berry bounded over to the couple with great speed, almost knocking the taller blonde man over on to the ground as she hugged him. _Lord, what's that smell? Is that desperation or perspiration?_ Sam thought to himself. "You look so good!" She squealed into his ear before turning to hug Mercedes. "How are you guys?" She clapped her hands together excitedly. Mercedes looked over at Sam and tried hard not to laugh.

"We're actually really good. I'm here how've you been? Where's Finn?" She asked politely. A sour expression crossed Rachel's face and she pursed her lips in anger.

"Well, Finn had other plans for his life and I had other ones for my own. Let's just say I don't take trains anymore. They bring up bad memories for me." Sam almost choked on a laugh and pretended that he was coughing. _He's leaving, leaving, on that midnight train to freedom, leaving on that midnight train away from your crazy ass. _"Anyways, I have bigger plans in store for my life. Like auditioning for this show and making it big!" She clung on to Sam's arm and he tried shaking her off. He was about to say something when a white haired man with a yellow hat walked into the hall and everyone who had been practicing immediately quieted down. Sam raised one eyebrow as he took him in. Have you ever seen someone you just immediately disliked? Someone who you just wanted to smack in the face with a dirty old shoe that had stepped in dog poop? No? Well for some reason, this was how Sam felt about the man in front of him and he wasn't sure why.

"Hello. I'm Ryan Murphy." He smiled as his eyes roamed over the group of people. His gaze landed on Mercedes and he shook his head. "Oh I'm sorry, we're not auditioning for anymore black people on the show, we already have two. And one works as a woman sometimes so that's all we really need. Try again next year." Mercedes' jaw dropped open and Sam stared at the man in disbelief.

"The fuck did he just say?" Sam whispered fiercely by Mercedes ear. "Give me your shoe, I'm about to beat him with it." Mercedes touched his hand that he had balled into a fist and pat it gently. "He better be religious because he's about to meet Jesus."

"Sam it's okay." She whispered back to him. "This could be a good job for you." She bit her tongue and refused to voice her true feelings about the matter. His green eyes held hers for a moment and then he sighed. If he wanted to stay in New York with her, this could be the job to do it. _Mmm, I like her, I'll make her my pet. Yes, this will work out splendidly. I'll give her all the screen time and I'll even make her sing during the credits if it's possible._ Sam turned to look at Ryan Murphy and saw that he was speaking with Rachel quietly in a corner. A shiver of fear ran up his spine before his name was called by another man named Ian Brennan.

"Gah, I think being murdered with the spork would have been better than this." He grumbled before giving her a hug and walking into a brightly lit room. The cast of the show were sitting in a corner of the room talking to each other as Sam walked in. He waved over at them and they smiled back before he turned to look at the people sitting at the table waiting for his attention.

"So Chris..." The man named Ian looked down at his clipboard and then back up at Sam. "This says you have no acting experience, but you can sing." Sam nodded slowly and smiled confidently.

"Yea, I don't have any experience so far, but I sing in the shower every so often." He confessed and looked over at Ryan who was staring at his body.

"Take off your shirt please." Sam raised an eyebrow and slowly pulled off his shirt. "Well then..." Ryan Murphy leaned back in his chair and grinned. _Perfect, we can put him in a shower and have one of our male characters discover him naked and singing. I like it. _Sam narrowed his eyes and placed his fingers over his nipples feeling suddenly exposed. "That's good. Put it back on please," Sam didn't need to be told twice before he pulled his shirt on quickly. "Can you sing something for us?" Hesitantly Sam cleared his throat and sang "Billionaire" by Travie McCoy. Mercedes had helped him practice it all night. When he was done he looked up and saw Ryan smiling and jotting some quick notes down. Sam tried to catch his thoughts but they ran by him too quickly.

Brad Falchuck looked at him and tapped his finger against his lip as he thought. "Okay, choose any one of our actors in the corner there. We're going to test your acting skills since you don't really have any experience." He sat up in his chair. "You're just going to have a simple read through. So don't worry."

"Alright, um..." Sam turned and looked at a beautiful Asian woman with a kind smile and pointed at her. The three writers laughed causing Sam to look at them in confusion.

"Sorry you can't choose Jenna. You have to choose someone who actually has lines." Ian wiped a tear from his eye. _Laugh it up little man, it's only time before I slash your tires and kidnap your cat._ Sam quickly looked over at Jenna who was staring at Ian with a tight smile plastered on her face. "Just pick another one." Sam silently prayed for Mercedes to burst into the room with a baseball bat and come to his rescue before he pointed at an interesting looking man with long dreads. The man stood up and was about to shake Sam's hand when Ryan spoke.

"Hold on, Samuel, I thought we fired you last season. Have you been here this whole time?" Ryan stared at the younger man in shock who still had his hand up in the air. The man named Samuel looked shocked. Ryan looked at his notes. "Oh wait, no, you're still here you just have one line per season. My bad." Ryan laughed and then looked at Sam. "Sometimes you forget these things, how about you speak with Kev—"He looked at a guy with glasses and then moved his hand to point at a curly haired man with curly brown hair instead. "On second thought read with Darren." The writers handed the curly haired man a book and Sam a sheet of paper. They beckoned for the other actors to come forward as well and gave each of them one sticky note. "Okay, so you all now have your lines from this season so far."

Darren pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed as he flipped through the pages of the leather bound book. "You know, I would really like it if you guys gave more to everyone else. I appreciate it but..." Ryan stood up and stared at Darren.

"If you're not happy Blaine let us know and we'll do what we can." He said in a very slow and deliberate tone. _Why does this man sound like Satan?_ Sam scratched his head in thought. Everyone took a step back from Darren and stared at their sticky note. Sam looked over at the other Sam and noticed he was studying a dreadlock since he wasn't given a sticky note.

"My name's Darren..." The curly haired man muttered. Ryan glared at Darren and Sam watched as a vein throbbed on the writer's forehead. He slowly sat down and wrote something down on a sticky note. Ryan showed it to the other writers who nodded.

"Give us the book." Darren slowly handed it over to them before they handed him the sticky note. The curly haired man looked down at it and scoffed.

"You're going to make me drown while singing "Singing in the Rain"?!" He yelled angrily. "And then put me in a coma for five seasons?!" He screamed. Sam slowly walked back towards the door. The rest of the cast members stared at Darren and then at the writers. They all began to advance on the three men at the table with murderous looks in their eyes.

"Now now, let's not get testy here folks. Uh, remember when we let you have your own episode Jenna?!" Ian quickly stood up. "Wasn't that fun? You had an applause and everything."

"You made me kiss another characters ass throughout the entire DAMN EPISODE!" She crumpled up her sticky note and threw it to the ground. "I'm tired of being in the background bitches." Her hands crumpled up into fists.

Brad looked at the man with glasses. "Kevin reason with her! She's one of the originals like you." Panic settled on his face, "We let you sing Feliz Navidad, remember. We let you walk a few times." The man named Kevin gave them a slow blink as he moved towards them as well.

"You're lucky I don't have my wheelchair right now or I'd run your asses over ten times for fun. And then do that shit again twenty more times because I hate ya'll." Sam reached behind him and slowly turned the doorknob. Ryan, the ring leader stood up from his chair and moved back towards the wall. He looked towards the man with dreads.

"Samuel, we promise to give you more lines just stop this madness." The actors were getting extremely close to the writers who were inching away to the back wall. Sam could see how agitated they were and did not want to get involved. He had already died once, he wasn't trying to again.

"Bro, if I could, I'd strangle you with my dreads. In fact let me try." He pounded a fist into his open hand. Sam slipped out of the room and closed the door quietly and quickly. Mercedes looked at him curiously.

"So how did it go?" she asked him expectantly. Sam looked back at the door and then at her.

"You know how we were scared that we were going to get killed?" Mercedes slowly nodded and a look of confusion crossed her face. "Well someone's about to die and it ain't us so we have to go." He grabbed her hand and ran out of the building with her.

"Wait Sam where are we going?" She yelled after him as they ran down the street.

"Away from here, I don't want to end up on America's Most Wanted." He finally stopped by and alley and leaned up against a wall to catch his breath. Mercedes leaned against him and took a deep breath as well. She could hear his heart beating quickly through his chest.

"Sam, we left Rachel back there." Mercedes may not have liked her too much, but she didn't want anything bad to happen to her. "Should we go back and get her?"

Sam shook his head. "Nah, she's good. She'll sing her way out. That girl is crazy, but strong." Mercedes nodded and looked up at him.

"Are you ever going to tell me what happened in there?" Sam licked his lips and shook his head. He reached out and gently rubbed his thumb against her cheek.

"Mercy, there are some things in life that one is better off not knowing." He took a deep breath and sighed, "And Glee is one of those things."


End file.
